я не хочу. Written By: Ash Catcher я не хочу keep inhaling all of this stagnant air.
я не хочу normality, all year long, I rock Halloween dinnerware. я не хочу keep doing this group project on my own. я не хочу have to scour the earth for a pay-phone. я не хочу keep relying on others to get ahead. я не хочу keep on going, I have picked out the sheets for my deathbed. я не хочу be constantly complaining but I have very little else to say. я не хочу make it to Thursday, it's just foreplay for Friday. я не хочу be a brain fog zombie. я не хочу pretty enough to have been a model at Abercrombie. я не хочу keep seeing the ghost of you out the side of my eye. я не хочу make eye contact again, you make me so tongue tied. я не хочу complicates things further. я не хочу if you want to abort complacency then look no further. я не хочу keep hoping around with my head detached. я не хочу feel like I am losing it all, no longer unhinged, I am full on unlatched. я не хочу работать бесплатно. мое искусство чего-то стоит. это важно для меня. -Ash
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L U R K I N G Written by: Ash Catcher You make me feel both relieved and anxious
How do you do that? Balance all that precariousness? Twice bent over I am not sure if it's a panic attack or my spleen. But for being the sovereign of equilibrium you can sure scream. Dissolved all boarders, fuck your latitude lines. I would throw it all against the wall say fuck it let's climb the tower. Planted firmly in the grown, celestial radiates through you, and lifts me up. Hoping I don't fall over myself, empty out of all my give a fuck cups. You may think you're at the bottom But just keep in mind you're still someone's top. And in the grand scheme of things what does it matter anyway? Just stop giving a fuck. It's all in my head, I feel like I am allergic to most people's thoughts. King of all pain, clavicles exposed, I think nought. Twisting and turning, this piece has been revised too many times. Feeling every bit my age, been picked apart clean, now I give off Vine vibes. I can't even identity as confused anymore. I am too tired, nothing feels like they used too much time alone. But I got this love hate relationship with you and my phone. Give the kids cameras and they'll tell on themselves we have been owned by the unknown. Lurking "outside" or maybe in the trees I feel like I have been just unhooked from a machine. In my back pocket always, probably allergic to bees and the nuts of three. There the fuck you are, with your dumb dot of green. When you live stream your tower moments I am the first to watch you decay in real time. It's kinda poetic interactive inactivity. Beyond survival at this point it's all about objectivity. Relevancy is that of the mind. I'll give you a cheat code that will help you save time. Nobody is coming for you, they all do not care. You are here for entertainment purposes only you are the static in the air. That raises peoples vibrations, no matter what you see. Too much reality for one day time to disconnect and watch some DVDs. The place of safety, I plan to milk all the money I pay for rent. I feel that feeling you're feeling every day, the fall of disparity and decent. - ash August 29, 2022 9:36 a.m. NASA's new moon program is poised to smash all kinds of records for human spaceflight. Named for the Greek goddess Artemis, Apollo's twin sister, this initiative will put the first woman and first person of color on the moon…. It was postponed. My alarm went off at 7am. I didn’t wake up at home this morning, the lighting was all wrong- way brighter then I am used to, but the scene was set. I overslept like always but I kept hearing “Artemis.” A google search later I am just happy to know that I still got it. Lately I was feeling a bit skeptical.
Artemis controls the moon, and if you know you know- the moon, and I have this love hate dynamic. Just like how I feel about Cypress Hill, or milk chocolate. I get the Appeal for some people but sometimes I just want something much more full-filling. More moon mama shit. If you find yourself in the woods- and you should, you should be disconnected as much and often as possible. If you have been seeing bears, deers, or snakes: I passed one this morning when I went to grab my keys, and find my sunglasses, so I count that . Be sure to keep your eyes peeled, I am hoping this cooler weather wraps up this static. I want it to rain so bad- I need to hear that sound again. Artemis and I have quite the track record, especially when it comes to gathering admires. This huntress, and goddess of wild animals, nature, and the moon will have you looking at the moon wanting to set yourself on fire. I would not personally name something so mechanical and inhuman after something so soft, stealthy and beautiful. She embodies euphoria, and unlike her brother Apollo, god of the sun, they are complete opposites- she chooses to represent her femininity by the moon, we are always cool, calm, and appear collected. With the promise of cooler weather, and I know I am not alone when saying I cannot wait for autumn this year. I look forward to it every year. Usually on the first day of august I am in full fall mode. This year is a much different feeling. I am tired of sweating, running around- I just want to be still and present- I want to cool down and chill out and look at the moon. I need to get back to base, because this summer has been ridiculously difficult. Artemis 1 was originally scheduled for late 2021, but the launch date has been pushed back to 29 August 2022. Engine problems caused a delay. The next launch window is September 2…. I am not so sure about that. What can I say, sometimes women can be a little difficult. See you next Wednesday, -Ash I AM A SIDE OF Parsley: A piece about being unwanted- and everyone’s most loathed garnish. Written By: Ash Catcher I am a side of parsley.
I just fucking sitting there. Not doing a whole lot of anything. Nobody wants me. I am like a side of parsley. Just on display, nothing special- on the plate. And just like my cousin celery, You wont eat me unless you're drunk- I am bound to decay. Nobody wants me. A one way trip into the trash. I have the audacity to garnish anything from pancakes to potatoes that are mashed. I am just fucking tras, leftover vegatation, my very purpouse has now become puzzling. Empty calories, taste like water and suffering. I am a side of parsley Dip me in salt water once a year- I am just a walking culinary metaphor. I have no idea why people buy me. A garnish most grotesque, I hold no value- but damn do I make your chicken breasts. I am a side of parsley Just a side piece to say the very least. I am nothing but a bastard of a plant I should be the illegal one, welcome to my TED TALK listen to me rant. I am a side of parsley. Why the fuck are there so many varieties of me? Nobody bothers with me... My only job is to garnish your plate. ( I feel like a mistake) I am the ultimate side dish, The initial side decor- The O.G. culinary decoration. Plate me you bitch, 15 seconds left- tie that dish together, present me to the judges. I am a side of parsley Empty- nothing, not caloric. Eat me, and nothing happens As far as garnishes go I am happy you asked if we associate with the Green Party (DUH) and We’re quite active and political. I am a side of parsley I hold no purpose that I am aware of At least I am not cilantro, and taste like soap despair Muddled green madness in your face I have been casted aside with haste. Thrown about with no direction Most parsley's fate is not heaven We are all someone's parsley. I really don’t want to be parsley. I wanted to be someone's main course- not a side dish. I am a side of parsley- I am a piece of shit. I am full of myself- I want to throw everything away, and just quit. -Ash OverBooked Written By: Ash Catcher Hello, hello! It’s Wednesday yet again, this week I wanted to share some of the most outlandish books that I have come to own in the past 30 years on this space cake of a rock. Currently I have "an office” in my house and I say that loosely because as of May I have been working outside remotely on my back deck getting hecka tan- but in this office happens to be uhhhh like 3 bookshelves and I have two in my room currently. I just got back my big one finally and gave her a stellar paint job. She is saged and ready to get more books put on her! I cannot wait to acquire more. Most of my shelves are categorized by genre loosely- but instead of my records - alphabetical and genre - if I really need a cookbook I know that is going to be kept on the bookshelf closest to the kitchen. Or… are they up and in my room. I’ll have to check on that. Okay so in no particular order I randomly chose a book off of each bookshelf!
Happy Wednesday! Written By: Ash Catcher Photograph Credit: Photodelphia, LLC Harley Maile Happy Wednesday! If you are just starting to read these things, Hi welcome, I am Ash, and I guess some people would call me a writer/artist what have you. If you have been reading for the past 2 years of me doing this… go the fuck outside this article can wait but that sun serotonin is gonna hit you so much better than this blog post ever could, I promise you that! Breaking up with Booze: Breaking up with anyone, or in this case anything is never easy, and addiction is not either. It's a weird awkward unspoken relationship with yourself that with the assistance of alcohol seems to just make that person staring back at you in the mirror a bit more palatable. I need it to feel better about myself, or I need it to not be so shy- whatever your logic is its pretty apparent that if you’re building up a tolerance the worse its going to be when you do decide to redact alcohol and just fuck off into the woods cause you can kiss your social life good fucking bye. You’re going to want to spend a few days or weeks… years getting a grip on yourself more or less. I know people that are 20 years sober and I know people that are 20 mins sober. It can vary quite a bit regardless life these days doesn’t just seem unbearable I can see people I have know for years deteriorate infant of me live on IG or Facebook daily- So far in 2022 alone I have lost 5 people to addiction, that averages about 1 person a month- very unsettling. Dating and Not Drinking: “Lets go and grab a drink.” Oh actually sorry I cant…… won’t? I am not sure when I came to realize a few tings about dating but the one thing I found was that meeting up for coffee because like a thing of the past- coffee is usually a safe bet because its in the middle of the day and its uh… well its not fucking alcohol. I used to get really defensive and uptight when someone would ask me to meet them for a drink. But now I usually just accept it, skip the soap box, talk about why I cut alcohol and meet up at the bar anyway. When they see me order a cranberry seltzer without the vodka- oh boy do they get a little taken aback. Sorry I am not gonna get sloppy drunk, and come back home with you- I am not sure what about me screams that. I have to get up early in the morning, I never stop working. I do appreciate their efforts, but its a huge turn off and I’ll be very honest Ill never see your stupid ass again if you ask me to spend my time at a bar. I did that already- I am not looking to lose another 10 years of my life thanks. Is that temptation still there, oh boy you bet I just know myself better and would rather not wake up in a dryer again. Isolation Hermit Mode Activated: I am never invited to parties where people are drinking- and I am saving a lot of time and money wasting my energy on intoxicated people. Lately I have actually barely been interacting with people face to face. Quite honestly I am not sure if this was a COVID thing or not but people drain the living life force out of me- like I need to drink hella amounts of water and reach for that special eye cream that one lady swore on at Terrain. It's just draining, and it happened shortly after I stopped numbing myself with alcohol- like I didn’t drink often but once I started I rarely wanted to stop. So it took maybe like three bad nights and I was like hmmm maybe I need to change some behaviors. There was also that one week a few years back where I kept getting drinks that were drugged. I wasn’t surrounded with the best people at the time, and in retrospect I was trying to maybe prove something by ordering an Oatmeal Stout in the middle of the summer but hey- makes for a great story and a little light rambling. I am not telling you what to do with your life. We all have vices, mine are just getting a bit more niche then a few glasses of rose and being hungover the next day, I am opting more for acid and a migraine. Level up! Sobering Up, and Switching Out: redirection and rehabbing your habits: I think professionals say it takes anywhere from 30 to 90 days to break a habit. I am super thankful that just like when I stopped smoking that I automatically knew I could fall back on running- runner's high is a legit thing and while it doesn’t replace the feeling of having a few beers after a hard day- that shit is well like all this stuff addicting. I love running- lately walking and I am super happy I live in a place where it is pedestrian friendly, I know it's not logical or practical to take 2 hours out of your day to go for a walk but even 20 minutes of movement is technically 20 more minutes more than what you did before you started. Just keep moving. So Cheers, with some cranberry juice ( appropriately sweetened) and some seltzer. I am always here for my friends and family - anyone for that matter that wants to talk about cutting out alcohol. Cheers you degenerates I better see you next Wednesday!
-ASH A Little Tower Moment Written By: Ash Catcher Salutations psychotics masterminds! Power play with me till I bleed across your social constructed operating table - I mean middle school cafeteria. Pull my heartstrings like taffy till my organs are past my knees. Down on the floor- now I may not come off as sentimental in the least But this nasty scar that runs past my veins and has begun to AOL slowly drip dry download into my overworked heart This shit hurts, I am tired of aching, I am stretched so thin I keep visibly shaking. It's been ripped apart before, dismantled for others amusement- but this time seems different. Does love ( for others and for myself) require an ethernet cable to upload efficiently? Because this shit is taking forever. And some days my alignment and frequency are too high to come off my ego driven show. So involved and aware why I do things- I am my only critic and advisory. Always dishing advice out, but starving myself when it comes to taking it. I would rather procrastinate and over think. Make the small things seem extra big each week. And then the subtle familiarity creeps in… You dematerialized at dinner, and I started to dissociate, like my 160+ gigs of music on my iPod Touch gone in an instant. Fuck now what am I gonna listen to now? Who will manipulate all these strings coming out of my back? More importantly, are we still having pancakes for breakfast tomorrow? I try to fill this black hole up- but I think the cement I am using must be expired. Nothing plugs up this nothingness- It's growing, but not infinite that would be overreacting. You just love overreacting- nope that is just me finally expressing how I feel of years of silence. I’ll be the judge of who is hysterical. I’ll just show you a fuck ton of indifference; there that should do it. I hate feeling so salty. Everything breaks easily, I always hurt. I don’t feel like leaving my house most days. I am manifesting something better- looking at some places in the deserts. I can't do another winter here- it may just damn near obliterate me. Looking at other avenues, maybe I'll end up floating in The Dead Sea. Only slightly terrified of what I want to do next. Hoping for some positivity- obsessed with space lately, and solar apexes. -Ash
S. N. A. P. Written By: Ash Catcher I went thrifting, and to a few cafes.
By myself, lately I had a bunch of treat-you self days. I Stepped up to the counter to place my order. Got overwhelmed with the menu, that is just my anxiety disorder. Managed to stutter to the pretty cashier: “I’ll have an Americano please.” It was good but not like my old spot in Revere. The small one looked really big, but that is America for you. Kinda wish I didn’t give my cousin my holographic ancient MEW. Ash, dial back to thrifting, I found myself making a bee line to a pile of pictures. All of the other times, and peoples families, willing to bet my childhood allowance they all knew their scriptures. All the backs date back to the 60s techno color, pastel substitutional urbs. All the men, mad looking as hell- like they could all be my grandpa- or on the cover of Forbes. One I found I called her Gertie, she looked like some psychedelic plant lady- and I saw myself in her indeed. If we make it past 2050, you best bet I want to be just like that saint, total galactic babe, and star-seed. Pictures of people used to scare me as a kid. I didn’t understand at first of all the places that have been. Time traveling is possible and it can all be contained in a thrifted box. Of photos of dead people- they probably knew where to get the best bagels and lox. I have to say some days I am jealous, but I would never wear those skirts. I would be rocking killer pant suits- I would be that radical bitch in the 60’s in shorts. All it takes is a snap, something from nothing that beautiful overused line. A blip in the Matrix, a single moment in your timeline. Then you start to fuck with the settings, and thats when reality is done. The perspective and exposure is all off- way too much sun! S.ingle lens, so I can still sprawl out in the middle of my bed. Cat cornered me, judging me silently like I am up for a performance review. N.oise, there is way too much collective humming for me to even hear you. A.perture, it can be a little hard to crack that cancer crabby shell. Not a lot of light or people come in. P. Oint and Shoot, hyper focusing, and going M. I. A in the middle of the day. Love and hate when people touch my skin. I am not the best at being present. Half the time I am not here- borderline fluorescent. Eyes like lenses, taking way too much in. Socializing is great, but I like being alone a little more now and recharging. -Ash Reel Idolization Written By: Ash Catcher Panic stricken, jerked out of my dream-like state. Fluid filled the bottom of my left leg- this is why I don't skate. I feel it every second now, the breakdown of my physical body. I would tell you all about it, but my voice has been a tad bit froggy. Going back and fourths, seeing some new demons and dimensions. Not sure what I am striving for these days but I have abandoned all apprehensions. This meat sack wants a promotion, I feel like I am like three times my age. I've lived through shit most people cannot comprehend, the queen of disengage. Been waking up at all hours, the most prevalent ones are all before noon. Questioning what is real these days, is that really a real cup and spoon? The realizations, and downloads- that we are all interconnected. Interwoven coven, it is insane how much one is dissected. Life is just a series of reel idolizations. It repetitively repeats itself- the same season after season. The same characters just have a different plot. I don't blame people for wanting to leave this place and become a commercial cosmonaut. It seems so fabricated and scripted. The laugh track in my head is depicted. As my second grade class, Ms. Harris toppling over us. That's something I need to pack still, but I am not willing to discuss. So much to do always, but what does it all matter in the end. I've lost myself so much along the way, I am my only friend. I am tired of doing everything- I am sick of working and cleaning my house. Fighting over dumb fucking shit “ I am sorry for being insensitive if I say this but can you man up and dispose of that mouse.” This time around the 30th try of playing the game entitled 365. I Felt reckless the other day, chugged a kombucha and started gardening barehanded. I am trying to numb out responsibly, cause I have a shit ton of things to keep alive. But those vices are a bitch to quit, and my morals reroute like Route 66, but I won’t allow myself to decline. [again] Just edging, teasing, toying with the thought of leaving it all up to probability. Math was never my strongest subject, all my life labeled a walking liability. Moving on hasn’t been easy but I am pretty good at adapting. My motives are always genuine, that is why I know that you are acting. Ketchup seems arbitrary, this hot dog was never real- Socializing what's the point? Notoriously the fifth wheel. It is cheaper to get an 8th of shrooms than fill up my gas tank. I'll travel in my head again, I am not trying to break the bank. -Ash
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August 2023
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