​I Deserve A Better Goodbye
Written By: Ash Catcher 

I used to think I didn't belong anywhere 
But now I think I am just addicted to fresh starts. 
When the scenery gets too monotonous for me, 
I just get that itching to part with half my belongings and head off in search of something new. 
I learned to leave now in search of something, never someone. 
I'll never move and uproot my life again for another person. 
That version of me is no longer recognized. 
Over time we get hardwired differently. 

I deserve a better goodbye. 
I deserve a better goodbye. 

I only can process proximity through this every so often. 
It is fucking daunting to move.
I never received that postcard in the mail. 
I never got that apology. 
I never say goodbye, just good luck.
As if I actually believed my presence mattered. 
And I just don't get recast in the same roll telling myself every night
... "Maybe this time it's going to be a bit different…" 

But I refuse to water myself down just so you can try and attempt to digest me better. 
You can choke. 
I am a river my dude, I go in one direction, with the flow. 
Never backwards, steady on, not weighed down by your own undoing. 

I deserve a better goodbye. 
I deserve a better goodbye. 

If you just tried to wade in my waters I would be forever grateful; 
But I would also be so taken back and close right back the fuck up. 
Locked up tight, cool, calm and encumbered. 
Look man if I could, I would. 

I deserved more than what I get/got. 
So I keep my expectations scary low. 
I am starving. 
And I am so malnourished, and cannot survive on crumbs anymore. 



I deserve a better goodbye. 



- ash

With the pollen count too damn high. 
I seek shelter in my air conditioned home, and hide. 
Allergies be fucking debilitating this year, My eyes are struggling to open. 
Just looking forward to summer, it will be here soon, here's to hoping. 

But I have to admit I am digging these evening walks. 
Around my neighborhood, I hear all the talk. 
So and so mowed over the property line. 
Most days I don’t notice my thoughts are  on something much higher, Borderline Devine. 

Always cleaning off the pollen from my camera lens. 
Getting sick of sitting in all this luxury car traffic: BMW and Mercedes Benz. 
My janky ass mini pushing is almost 15 yrs old. 
Could be considered a classic car soon, little black bread mold. 

A record collection and a whole library I really do not want to move. 
And all the sex toys under my bed, I know that you said you did not approve. 
I would liquidate everything, aside from all my plants. 
Cause I am getting really sick of the same sneers and scenery, why is everyone trying to get into my pants. 

People seem to be divided on this one but I’ll just say it: 
I don't understand casual dating, my energy is too precious to haphazardly transmit. 
I think it’s great if you want to play the field, but these days it’s looking like a wasteland. 
With responses to texts so slow, what is this 2000 something am I hooked into the broadband? [ MOM, I AM ON THE PHONE!] 

As much as I like the attention, this shit is distracting. 
I am trying to build a fucking empire, why is it always torn apart people that I am attracting?  
Broken can be beautiful, but I am not trying to put together another person’s puzzle. 
Delusions, shaken up with uncertainty, strain into a heart shaped glass, That is the Involuntary Muscle. 

But back to spring, shit yeah damn people are so horny. 
If going out for dinner translates to  I want to bang on our first encounter, I am bringing my attorney. 
I am just floored with how tacky some people can be. 
I doubt things will get a bit better as time goes on, two more months till I am thirty. 

Lately I haven’t been sleeping the best, but apparently 3 AM is the perfect time for digital harassment. 
Makes me lose all hope for humanity, I blue thumbs up all their advancements. 
Honestly at this point I get more pleasure from myself.  
Because I am the only one that fucks me over, its a Thing-In-Itself. 



-Ash

Astro traveling to the 711 would be convenient if it wasn't for the lackluster ride.

Breaking down walls with too much breakfast, trying to decipher what's the truth and what is a lie. 

Can you send me a picture of yourself? Is all I seem to get these days.

Do you know how beautiful you are? But my guy I can't talk to right now I am trying to get a raise. 

Every time they dont see that there is more to me then there seems to be. 

Fuck off, I am selective with who is in my life, I don't know you random person- you really think our conversations are free? 

Get to the point why are you messaging me, I have 1,001 things to do and your taking away from my life and my money. 

How have you been? Is the topmost worst text I can receive. Ready to chuck this talk box. Go somewhere more sunny. 

I am not trying to capture the red flag. But lately I am thinking about switching out of intermediate and going pro. 

Just so you know I like to match people's energy. It's a tool I learn in therapy. 

Keep asking me if I want to grab a drink with you. I am ready to fucking quit my job I am so sick and tired of alcohol. 

Like what is the point of starting a conversation if it's just going to eventually dissipate in disappointment. 

My friend referred to me as intense the other day. I think I need more interesting friends. 

No I am not trying to reason with logic at the moment but maybe in a week or two when the moon isn't so full, I'll maybe feel less manic. 

Out of touch with myself, but I am trying my best. I know some people get it, others try to understand. 

People scare me. 

Queen of the "Can I ask you a question?" 

Really I don't know what to say. 

Sucks, this feeling sucks.

This is not what I wanted 

Usually I'll just deny 50 requests a day. 

Very exhausted and mentally drained how do people do this every day

What could I do differently? 

Xplain to me like I am stupid. 

You seem different. 

Zero tolerance for this bullshit. 





-Ash ​

Some Assembly Maybe Required: Teaching Myself How To Cook
Written By: Ash Catcher 

     This maybe kinda a weird thing to write about, but if you do not know by now I have this undesirable need to create things: That does include dinner. On nights that I am home I tend to get pretty creative in the kitchen. I like spicy, mostly vegan, or vegetarian meals and access to some weird “basket ingredients”. Lately I have had a bit more time to myself so I went thru all of my cookbooks. I have quite a bit now, but for the longest time I would just buy them and never make anything from them. It wasn’t until I was in college and had "my own” kitchen that I finally began cooking and baking. If you follow me on social media you can see me making drinks, and food all the time. It has become a very fun outlet for me- my hands don’t always feel compelled  to paint or draw, although I do a fair bit of journaling and collaging, cooking has become a great creative channel, not to mention makes for some oddly unique content.

     Food for me is important, as a cancer watery sign hot moody mess food became this thing that I used to associate with self care. I spend most of my day caring for other people, and my cat banner- but when it's time to eat at the end of the day that seems to be the best time for me to hyper focus on myself, and nourish myself a little bit.  I do travel quite a bit on my off days, summer is coming and I will be disconnecting more and more, looking forward to sunny days, hiking, and lots of beach trips- I tend to grab quick little things on the way to my destinations. Usually a coffee/ Americano and a carb of my choice. I always take fruit when I go for walks around the neighborhood, or go out for an easy 5 mile walk on the canal with my cat. He loves to look at the water, and marvels at all the trees. I want him to enjoy the rest of his life, that includes a fair amount of grilled chicken dinners as well. 

     I come from like 3 living generations of amazing women who excuse my French but uh…. “Fuck food up.” Dinner when I was younger was some of the most memorable times of my life. My mom made everything with such a profound amount of love that it was immeasurable, there wasn’t a measuring cup on the market that could hold the amount of talent she has. Food was seasoned to perfection, I had never grown up knowing that Salt and Pepper shakers were actually used and not just for cute decor. Nothing needed adding to it, it just stood flawlessly on its own. Dessert was always included, as well as coffee or tea. My grandmother(s) also bring their A game when it comes to cooking, with both Russian and German heritage while food growing up at my grandparents house was vastly different. There is something straggly comforting about the commonality of Eastern European food. I still go to Russian supermarkets, and enjoy other supermarkets aside from my defaults: Aldis, and Trader Joes ( Literally blew through a bag of mini cucumbers the other week, we all got a vice haha).  

    I like to playfully call this stuff Kitchen Witchery: while some assembly maybe required and at times I may over do it on ingredients, I got this down pat, a lot of failure and trial and error, a lot of late night creating alone in the kitchen all seems to be worth it to create a lasting memory all associated with food. Our relationship at times like any has been rocky, but lately with some careful consideration, and creating with intent. My kitchen game is pretty on par. I love creating, and cooking with other people- I think maybe that in itself shows what some time spent coexisting together and creating a tangible outcome. It is quite something to make something from nothing.

     In 2020 I wrote a cookbook myself, and I would love to get it properly published. I have been sitting on this project because HONESTLY I am a little unsure if people would even be interested in what I have to say. Some weeks I feel like I am talking to a brick wall, other weeks I get the feeling more people read these things then let on. I love when people wish me a Happy Ash Wednesday it is truly humbling. I am going to continue to write every week for as long as Long Shots allows me to be feasted for! Feeling particularly grateful this week. 



-Ash ​