No Cap. 
Written by: Ash Catcher 

​Please stop drinking my coffee 
I am a whiny Cappy baby 
Please stop drinking my coffee 
Allow me to gaslight you daily. 

I am a pissy moody mother fucker 
I'll passively aggressivly move around all your stuff. 
And call you out on your weight. 
And follow you around town when you go on dates. 

I am spineless, because I never grew up. 
I can use your things, but fuck you and die if you touch my stuff. 
I am fully aware that I have used your coffee maker for the past 3 years. 
But I intentionally filled up our fridge with beers. 

​I know you're having a tough go of things this holiday season. 
But stop comparing my height, for the last time I am not Indonesian. 
I am fucking always irratable because I don't have a sense of who I am. 
Oh you're gone for the night let me hit you up on your phone with spam.

The cat is sick
He is dying 
You're such an awful person 
( But don't you know I am lying) 

I'll just say things to say things 
And not back up anything when you retort back. 
I don't give a shit about your feelings I'll stick to you like plaque. 

And plague you like a disease. 
And cause you phantom pain. 
And talk shit behind your back and to your face. 
I am just a whiny baby Cap. 

Hook; 

No Cap 
No peace
I won't leave you alone 
Even watch you when you sleep
" I literally do everything in this house." 
Bro I fucking insist please shut your mouth. 
You don't take out the trash because " gender is a construct." 
You speak in fluent gaslighting
( I really shouldn't have given you that book) 
My personality is compared to egg whites.

No Cap
No peace 
No rest 
Worst then the police. 

Fuck you your trash. 
I am the best, and your just Ash.
Our parents love me I can do no wrong. 
But in reality I am wormy and squirming forever your tag along. 

Super needy and kinda co-dependant. 
I try to put on a front. 
But your the actor in this family. 
That's why you're always gone. 

Let's keep you exhausted you're easier to manipulate. 
Wait you got 7 hrs of sleep? Uh fuck... Stop trying to immaculate (me).
I talk shit, but can't stomach it when you serve it back. 
I am just a weak ass stupid Cap. 

- Ash

​Bad Habit 
Written By: Ash Catcher 

I am pretty superstitious.
But I base all my moves on borderline intuition. 
Had enough of this hypocrisy. 
Is this place we live in still a nation, or just a mockery.


Fuck it all, it's all over the walls. 
Chewing at my nail beds, avoiding the withdrawals. 
Vibrating at a cool constant mediocrity. 
My thoughts lack clarity, barley a whisper, fractal and inaudibly. 

I feel like I am completely replaceable
It's been proved time and time again 
But if you spoil me with loyalty.
I hope that you speak in riddles and ambiguity. 

My habits have teeth.
And sometimes it's hard to breathe.
But a little dose does the trick.
Of Methamphetamines. 

Humanity seems so oversaturated.
But I am miraculously still engaged most days and infatuated.
What is deemed redeemable and satisfying.
What is worth these days fixating? 

Dissolved all boarders, fuck your latitude lines. 
I would throw it all away for you, give it 1000 tires. 
Planted firmly in the grown, your airness lifts me up 
Hoping I don't fall over myself, empty out all my cups. 

Fuck it all, it's all over the walls. 
Chewing at my nail beds, avoiding the withdrawals. 
Vibrating at a cool constant mediocrity. 
My thoughts lack clarity, barley a whisper, fractal and inaudibly. 

Bad habit
Bad rabbit
Dark holes 
Wayward souls. 
Disgruntled humanity.
Redefining sanity. 

Hello, I would like to please plead insanity. 
Hello?! I would like to order a new mentality. 
Psychopathic heterosexual multiple personality. 
All often taken out of context and without formality.



- ash ​

​Ash & Lenz 
Written By: Ash Catcher 

​ASH: 
Hi there, Lenz, it's been a little while.
How are you these days? The Seasonal Depression, manageable still? 
How is the art going, you still doing the whole photography and poetry thing? 
No, it's great that you can stick with something like that. It's cool. Admirable even. 

It's just been a little while since we both reconnected, you know with us being practically neighbors and all. 

LENZ: 

….. oh it’s you. Yes I am fine, art is going okay- there is very often no reason to rhyme. 
It all seems so useless like you’re having a one sided conversation into the void. 
You sound different, have you “grown” since the last time we have to unfortunately had the pleasure to speak. Are you still  B&E into people’s homes to play with their pets for profit- how cute. How very you. 

​ASH: 
 Hey! I take pictures too, just not like the vast landscapes and the other things that you do. And sometimes if my schedule allows it I hit up an open mic and spit a few bars if the mood sets me just right. I am softening up to the idea of being fragile again- Lenz don’t you remember when you could still be that? 

LENZ: 
  Nope. I am the reason why you are so vulnerable, I am the reason why you forget things. I am the reason why you (we) have forgotten all about John. I fronted that day and represented us that day in court. We are still together now, still because of me. No more Schizo Scorpio Circus. No more harmful people or things to begin with.  I will have no more part in orbiting social constructed satellites. Ash face it you will forever be someone else's substitute. Split sides to me it's hard to see to differentiate between the two 
Malicious compliance, We have been both way better off without the other one- and I am very thankful for the cat. He is a huge help. 

But Ash I think you need to humble yourself- a little taste of a reality check: 


All your ex boyfriends and that one girl you dated are married- moved on right after they left you 
And one now has a baby 
With your name embedded in his daughters name.
Guess it's hard to handle a triple water sign. 

ASH: 
Fuck you- I am the epidomy of water. 

​LENZ:

 I haven’t finished yet… 

And these losers, the ones that stayed at home for far too long
While you were out there struggling. 
You have lived lifelongs. 
While they sit in their "castle" in the middle of nowhere. Rotting and snorting up decaying supply. 
You narcissistic sad excuse for a man. Please kindly die. 
While you're sighing in relief, you can breathe freely the air.

Digging and dishing out  love bombs left and right 
"Ash I have always kept you in my sights'
You have always been special you have always been unique
I don't know if I can quit you that's why I had to go away for a week 

ASH: 
Nah LENZ man, fuck that and give me some distance. 
You fucking just sound insane and a tad narcissistic. 
You disappeared and dropped me, quit me like I wasn’t even a daily habit. 
Placed  high on the shelf of your room- or in the closet that you told me not to go into.

LENZ: Ash you’re projecting I am a part of you sounds like you’re talking about some other guy… 

ASH: 
But here open the box and you can see;
Like holy fucking shit I can't believe all of that fit into these.
All the secrets packed nearly into boxes one girl at a time. 
If I told you I snagged my box with all the existing evidence it wouldn't be a lie. 
And all the DNA in there from half a whole High School grade of girls. 

Internal Thought/ Manipulative Screenplay/ Day Old Stale DM,  
Hi Ash, I know it's been awhile 
But I've changed now
And I've had time to think
About all the lessons I've learned from you while we were apart and I and here is what I think: 

{Translation}
You seem like I could easily manipulate you.
To saddle right back into your life 
And pick back up where we started 
But wait, something is different from before and it's hard to place. 

ASH: 
Let me help you with that. You are a fucking disgrace. 
It's not just the backbone inside me that is taller than you. It's the bullshit you spit has fallen on deaf ears, all the lies that you believe are true. 
I am blocking out your low vibrations- you're not even worth my words. 
But for old time sakes I'll pop off. 
Handing the mic over to Lenz one final time before this all ends. 

LENZ: 
Best of luck in coming back from the holes that you have dug for yourselves, and the choices you have made. I am fucking irreplaceable. And the damage that has been done is irreparable. 
I know because this killed me for years but the truth is hard to embrace. 
Just know when I talk about you in the past tense your name always follows …”What a waste of time and a mistake.” ​

​I Want To Eat Lunch On Her Shattered Ego
Written by Ash Catcher 

Eyes contacted, something forever pending. 
Unanswered invites, anxiety shaking and sweating. 
Bolting up in the middle of the night. 
Nausea settling in- would be cool if I stopped over sharing and overwrite. 

The on going sentences sputtering from my face. 
That messy process it takes to constantly come up and create. 
From fucking thin air, how can I keep breathing life into this "brand" 
Is something fucking normal boring people will never understand. 

I want to eat lunch on her shattered ego. 
Addicted to words, popping them like placebos. 
Painted colors across the sky. 
I am just looking for someone to pass the time before I kick it and die. 

Packed up with the same intentions. 
And let's me honest there has been some honorable mentions. 
The only way out is through. 
Internally screeching like a banshee and Sioux. 

​But some days I am more confident and comfortable in myself then others. 
Except when I get excited about something entirely unrealistic and unrelated, and the conversation needs to keep going and recover. 

A stagnate Stargate doesn't seem appealing or possible. 
My favorite part about the two of us is all the things that remain a mystery and inaudible. 
Aches in my head l, but it's not from the cold. 
I was just thinking about you, like it's some sort of secret proposed code. 

I want to eat lunch on her shattered ego. 
Addicted to words, popping them like placebos. 
Painted colors across the sky. 
I am just looking for someone to pass the time before I kick it and die. 

Had to remodel my life a few times since we last spoke. 
You ever have nights alone in bed and you reach over and there is just silence and smoke. 
I've been breaking the 4th wall- or was it dimension.
Hey I found this new thing if you count backwards from 20 and close your eyes the background will start to disappear. You'll become the admin of circumvention. 

My habit has teeth- (Addiction) 

All of Spirits turned to Ash by the end of the night.

Will be pretty cliche, but I think it's clever- try to go into the light. 



-ash ​

Consortium Co- Op Flip Flop. 
Written By: Ash Catcher 

I do not want to get married. 
I have never not once dreamed of my wedding. 
I have been on my own since I was 17 and that doesn't seem very fiscally responsible to me. 
I want to build a fucking empire. 
But my habit has teeth. 
and they are fucking nawing at me raw tonight. 

I hate 2 player videogames because I like to be uncooperative as fuck. 
Think of it as a sort of consortium Co - Op / Flip Flop. 

No thanks, I'll just read a book solo. 
Just trying to tread water, not trying to reach anymore karmic low lows. 

I want to take all the gender norms in my family and toss them in the nearest bin, I want to unearth the shredder- an appliance I am convinced only Gen X owns.
I want to tear everything apart. 
I want to explain to my parents and grandparents that to get ahead in this world you can't just have one avenue of income, you need to adapt.  
I would have made a terrible child bride- way too much chaos- still too much chaos. That poor dude wouldn't know what hit him. If I am on edge grandma I am sorry I just paid rent and my credit card off in one day forgive me for the sullen stares at dinner. I have not eaten meat at this table since I was 11. 

I never dreamed of my wedding- what a costly dream my brain does not have the budget for those kinds of dreams. 
We prefer the cryptic dark cyber shit, not happy to sign your fortune away. 
I want to build something but I am not about to put a price on my freedom and sanity. 
I would have to abduct and chuck some pretty ingrained habits of mine- and you want to talk about sacrifices- well fuck your fantasy grandkids your relationship with your real kids are just that much rooted in pure fantasy. Imagine having to speak to you out of obligations. 

I am not going to sit and pretend to look the other way while you try and ruin another generation of people with your generational curses and trauma. 

- Ash ​

Paper Trails 
Written By: Ash Catcher 

The greatest mistake is giving up. 
I must not fear, fear is the mind killer. 
Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration; 
I will face my fear. I will permit it to pace over, and through me. 
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. 
When it is gone, there will be nothing. Only what you allow to remain. 

Your dreams, when you can sleep soundly- hold the keys to tomorrow's history. 
Love is like oxygen, you get too much you get too high; Dope- another hit of dopamine for me please. 
don’t get enough you’re gonna die. But you’ll be tripping either way. 
And masturbation is necrophilia if you’re dead inside. 
Keep that left hand extra numb for something a little spicy on a rainy Monday afternoon.

Never pay a compliment as though you expect a receipt. 
We are not transactions on a piece of paper- I think at one time I wanted to be more.  
Oh and that reminds me, never leave a paper trail of do good- people will just twist it and crumple it- throw you and it away like all the others before you. 
They are just going to focus on your shortcomings anyway. 
The long haulers are too scared to move out of their comfort zones. 
Experiences are one thing that you can’t get for nothing 
Please keep moving, even if most days you want to stay stagnant and just say “Fuck it all.” ​

The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it. 
It's playful and all at the same time to most people serves them absolutely no purpose whatsoever. 
To accomplish great things, you must not only act but also dream not only plan but also believe. I believe in things I can't see, because to most people I have been translucent my entire life.  
We ought to treat strangers as if we expect to see them again. 
And we will, we will see them again- it will be a strange occurrence but then look, they are not strangers anymore. 

We are a species with amnesia, it is time to wake up. 
Do you need me to set an alarm for you?


-Ash ​

​The Casablanca Conspiracy
Written By: Ash Catcher 

     I am going to switch things up around this week. Today I felt compelled to mention one of my favorite comfort movies, Casablanca. Now I get that it is old, I get that it is sexist, and I get all those little quips and one liners about detesting the French. I have watched this movie maybe about 50 times. All of these times were different. I have never seen this movie with the same person twice. I have seen this movie about 100 different ways. All from on a tiny portable DVD player when I was in college sick with mono, a laptop, even someone a few years back surprised me with a movie night and brought over their projector. I still absolutely still need to see this movie in a Drive-In still, but that is for another day I am sure of it.  
     When I was a kid I used movies, and films a lot to escape reality. I would write movie scripts at the age of 8. By 9 or 10 I was directing small plays in the basement of my friends houses in New Jersey. I moved around quite a bit as a kid, and even more so as an adult. Watching movies gave me that feeling of moving- or being transported somewhere else- if only for an hour or two from the comforts of my mostly temporary homes. There is still something super comforting to this day just popping on a movie and attempting to turn off my brain for an allotted time. Watching Casablanca for the first time in my critical viewing class in high school was pretty pivotal. 

​     I am not sure if it was the on screen chemistry of Humphrey Bogart, and Ingrid Bergman that did it for me, because if it is one thing that is realistic about romance to me personally it's the dismissiveness and the unrequited love that was perfectly portrayed on screen. That hits home for me, relatable and I am always here for it. In a war torn country on the run of course the Universe will lead you back to that one chapter of your story that you seemed to "Dog Eared" and always seem to want to go back to. Was this age old timeless love story finished before the beginning credits even began? Is it pending? 
     I am by no means romantic, if you hug me for too long I'll probably have a slight panic attack. I show very little words of affirmation when dealing with relationships- both friendly and romantic. I am a big gift giver apparently. Lately I have only been able to offer people a few things, most of that being my time. Very rarely do I have the free time to sit down and dedicate time to a movie- but I always seem to make an exception for this one.   

​     This is the movie I can most likely quote best, it is quick, and satirical and oddly enough holds my interest all the way through. What I really like to do is watch other people watch this movie for the first time. Often they will check out, or have issues following along with the story- it's really not that hard to follow. I personally think it would have been more shocking and progressive if Ilsa ended up with both Victor, and Rick. Like that door in the Titanic movie you bet that little plane could safely hold one other person. Scoot over. 
     This movie got me hooked on swing music, obsessed with crafting the perfect gin martini, and wanting to normalize the oddly weird non descriptive age gap between the two leading actors. When further looked into, I could denote a few underlying themes to this movie were love and sacrifice. I believe they do indeed go hand in hand with some things and while it's not the healthiest of a relationship between Bogart and Bergman they have since been seen in other movies together- I like to think they are all somehow connected and build off one another. Just in a different timeline.

      All in all, most audience members will debate that this movie is just propaganda and sure it can be if you allow it. I also like the fact that its satirical nature seems to be almost undetected by the average movie watcher. I have people debate with me that this movie is... just okay. Everyone gets an opinion for sure, but half the time I am observing other people watching this movie I can tell they just miss the overall theme of it. It is more than a political allegory of World War Two, this movie needs to be watched a few times just to get everything out of this. I mean you could go as far as to say you can play it again Sam.... 



I'll leave you with that cringy & corny one off. See ya next Wednesday! 

- ash ​

​Academona
Written by: Ash Catcher 

​Woke up around 1 am my back wet with blood of the crying eyes and tears from the children that have part. 
This one felt so real I woke up in haste 
The classroom once alive all a buzz.
Now all filled with lifeless bodies and sobs. 

I was seeing pictures of the past 
Then I saw red 
Grabbed my phone and my bag and laid down on the ground.
The blood splattered all over my face. 
The kids body parts all over the place. 
I am sick to my stomach that is thankfully still intact
Just like on orientation day;
I looked to my right and I looked to my left. 

Not a soul was left standing 
I grabbed a few things and left. 
Do you take the stairs?
(You could use the exercise) 
It's faster I can barely hear myself think 
Over the constant sound of the bullets hitting the class room floor in unison. It's mostly clatters and clinks.

That hit the floor. 
Just like the kids.
I just wanted to teach.
This shit is so cringe.

I am not what to believe in. 
Some days I feel like I am teaching little demons. 
So I decided to take the stairs and come what may. 
I've been wanting to end things for awhile why delay. 

These people's ideas of teaching are so versatile and screwed. 
The system was beyond broken back in my day. 
How do you fix something that has been weaken and paraded on political display. 

I am so desensitized to this bull shit, barely anything can faze me these days. 
But I'll be damned that even if in my dreams are soaked with this senselessness classisim Cabernet. 

My brains been on the warpath lately. 
Thinking of getting another certaifcarion after this event, wish they would teach more people about safety. 

But no way had I imagined I would have to use what I know.
Like how to pack a bullet wound in a 3rd graders leg is something I never would have known what to have done. 
It's hard to teach kids when they resemble Swiss cheese. 
You shouldn't have to risk your health and life (savings) just to get your highschool degree. 

- Ash 

For a little context: 

I have taught at a high school for the past 6 months ( it's a night program, teaching adults that are working towards their highschool education degree)  while it is hands down one of the most rewarding jobs I have ever had and continue to work at it is also terrible to see the decline of education in my city. 

How students treat their education, each other, and staff have been so negative it is impossible for teachers to be both present in the classroom, and to be some sort of psydo psychologist. I've learned so much from my students, not just about teaching but also so many life skills. To the students that have prioritized their education and have stuck with my class the entire semester, module, whatever you want to call it dispite interruptions from your students, family, and even yourselves at times, hats off to you guys I am so excited for you and some of the new jobs. I'll see you in the hallways that hopefully a bit more brighter this upcoming semester with more students. 

Just don't forget your super cool art teacher!  

​Hola Azul
Written By: Ash Catcher 

​There are some classical and traditional things. (That I like) 
Somethings you would have not guessed about me like for 10 years I summered in Colorado Springs. 
Or that I exclusively only wear french perfume. 
If you ask me real nicely I'll allow you into the back rooms. 

Under the grounds of the airport I have frequented the most. 
Stands a blue horse that if boiled down to it would make an impressive amount of coppery glucose.  
And I am not really sure if you knew this or not. 
But if you sell enough of yourself you may just make it into one of those California back lots. 

An on running joke, or is it a conspiracy.
Whatever it is, I am sure you lack the authority. 
But should you find yourself alone in the woods, especially a national park. 
You'll most likely hear something scream, and something will grab you in the dark. 

​You will not understand, not at first, but slowly and surely you will start to rule out ghosts. 
There is much more out there, I am not sorry to say but it has a bit to do with some ancestral oaths. 

I think I have cracked it with the Hollywood elite. 
because when it comes down to it there are a number of things. 
Like why do they all seem to be in like 42401398129 places at once. 
And what is with this aging backwards stuff? 

And all the missing people, ( all those missing kids)  getting fooled into getting college degrees. 
Apparently I have no such business discussing these things. 
I am sure we all believe what we see on that beautiful glowing nuclear television thing. 
I'll leave you with this and then I shall go: Birds are not real there is no such thing as a left wing or a right wing. 

( It is all a lie, it is all fake, made up for the entertainment of the wealthiest plasticy fakes) 

- A.C. 

​Spread Thin 
Written By: Ash Catcher

I am not being transparent with you 
Because I've been and become a fucking Translucent mess. 
Working way too many late nights.
I am just trying to do my best. 

I am overwhelmed and tired. 
I am over committed and I just want to cry. 
But I am so dehydrated and I can't stomach this anymore. 

The only privacy I have is at work. You don't respect me or my closed door. 
I am tired of being yelled at that I have nothing I can control.
The only way to make you stop yelling is to start recording.
You look fucking idiotic when you tell me you're sorry. 

Coming back after your one sided shrilling monologue. 
I have to be honest with you, I fucking hate you. 
I don't give a shit how you want to come off to the world. 
You are one weak mother fucker if you yell at woman and  girls. 

What you keep doing is abusive, your apologies don't mean shit and haven't for years. 
You're no better than that douche bag that calls me every other few weeks. 

​'I am sorry...." You begin to mutter. 
But I've already dissociated and dissolved.
Wish I could numb myself to fucking oblivion. 
This sibling shit is so old, it's like I am Israeli and you're Palestinian. 

We never got along, and I know we were both mistakes. 
But I don't think I can talk to you anymore, we need to take a break. 
I am not sure if you get this or not but with you I don't feel safe. 
Do you know how exhausting it is to know you cannot just leave and escape. 

I don't think you ever see the sacrifices I've made for you. How much I protected you from when your were young. 
You may got a few black belts on me, but you know I will always cut you down to size with my tongue. 
Talk shit all you want about me, you are a lot more like him than mom. 
Fuck your entitlements, you threaten me, or my son again I'll napalm you like Vietnam. 

Spending all my money on a place I never want to be. 
Fucking go live with your freeloader boyfriend, I never signed on to live with three. 
And pay attention because I am only going to say thos once. 
The day you raise your voice again to me I'll make you irrelevant like Kristen Dunst. 

Spread to thin, but you're so ugly from within. 
That toxic masculinity, that isn't even biological possible for you to possess, ugh where do I begin? 
I am not sure who you think you are, or who you pretend to be. 
But Ill tell you this I am counting down the days where I don't have to deal with your mood swings and your bullshit. 

- A.C.