Warmth Written by Ash Wednesday "We don't talk anymore..." But I drunk texted you two Wednesdays ago You'll set yourself on fire Just so he can keep warm The coldness I've read and received Does nothing to put my mind at ease I miss you fuck'in terribly But you never showed you gave a shit about me Warmth was never something I've received Just read about and witnessed in books and movies But pass me the matchsticks And I'll start something real quick And you can have the very last of my nerves And let's light this all on fucking fire What a destructive force we can be For all that quiet energy we carry separately I hope someone somewhere is enjoying the fire that I have invoked I hope you're treating them better than you treat yourself But I come from a pessimistic and doubtful upbringing such as yourself Hack me to pieces extract all of my dopamine Sipping tirelessly at anything containing trace amounts of caffeine I am tired of mirroring a mirror Its weirdly reflective and I am tired of cycling Pending processed nothing's happening just left on read and idling. I am pretty sure I've done this before but it wasn't like this. Would you like to set yourself on fire for a bit Just to feel a little bit Tried to build up a resistance to you But my body is burning the fuck up. Why didn't you say all that out loud You could have just saved myself the trouble and called. - AW
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Suds City Written by Ash Wednesday (in a laundry mat between loads) I am just a Starseed in a laundry mat. Ass glued to a plastic chair Book in hand, sit and spin cycle Inconsistent incognito rat. ( Baseball Cap rocking sunglass sporting) The florescents are unforgiving Its 2 A.M and I know you're still awake Because we are tethered forever Hit up my phone cause I am down for whatever Deep diving for that dopamine (fix) Chasing someone or something always made sense to me ( knock it out and off my list) Seeking approval from the most "important" Bottom of the barrels Definitely undeveloped and undecided Flat and flashy- fake salty and pastry Soapy waters a classic karmic cycle Forever looping in the florescent hell hole. If I keep staring at this machine I am gonna lose my mind and lunch Microcosmic waterboarding full disclosure this is better then a day at Disneyland Dissatisfied dissociation up the laundry detergent Trusting my delusions as they spin on high Rolling the credits to all my alternative what ifs In my last life I think I had a better handle on it all. I am just trying to figure it out This Human Condition And what's it is all about Reading up trying to find the answers, like addition. Waiting for the collective consciousness to kick in This retrograde round about kinda way Spiraling linear I am dizzy just thinking Shaking and saying "This is just apart of the journey". Brillo pads scattered the floor, People stop and stare Getting used to the side eyes for sure This town is quiaint but kinda odd Not quite Twin Peaks aesthetic
But my asthma seems to think different The mold soaked clothing Laid abandoned and drying The non playable people smiling Hi! Welcome! We're happy you're hear Take a number and single serving washer Soak it up all these unwanted feelings unbothered A.W. Written By: Ash Wednesday If the world was ending, you would come over right? We could keep it casual- Order in maybe a movie or two like we used to If that is alright. Since the world is ending, how about Thai? I am gonna get shrimp, because fuck it. Let's go out with a soft bang Because I have been screaming inside my head my whole life. And dude, I am tired. I am tired of masking, of withholding my joy all those late nights thoughts and feelings I just want to go "home" Off this planet if only for just a moment Then respond and be born again right back to it. Grind, depression, little lost lambs Whatever this it is I am trying to still discover But if the world was suddenly on fire would you be down to share one last cigarette and a brief chat it doesn't have to be anything crazy I would settle for a "Hi, how are you- Cause nothing these days phases me. War seems imminent, It's too expensive to live At least when I am dead and gone it costs me next to nothing to sin. I am always looking for something else,
something exciting and new. I am hoping that this time it's all different Another environment, but hopefully I get to find you. Before your brain or husk or jellyfied noodle goo solidifies I hope that its not to late this next timeline I seem to keep fucking this all up repeatedly and it keeps costing me some lifetimes So back to my original question If the world was ending could I count you to be a guest star on my couch one last time we can order something whatever you want I just want you by my side when things go to shit and the world restarts. - AW Narcster Written by Ash Wednesday I am tired of playing house where it's not my home Cycling through karmic patterns I am looking to burn Always a fan of coloring But your color are starting to show through That fake phoney narcissistic temper tantrums. Ive done way to much work to entertain this, going ghost like Danny Phantom. This shit was cute and all when I was little I literally looked up to you But now that I am taller I've gotten more vocal and stronger. I could ghost you forever And feel nothing but better A sigh of relief A breath without assistance I have begged you for years to give a shit about me I am sorry I was the one that finally graduated with your supposed degree. But I am 30+ and you dont know the first thing about me You spat insults at me when we go out in public and you feel like I get too much attention. But I'll tell you this, people would approach you more too if you actually believed in things like the middle class, treating wait staff like a human being, and things like inflation. I am sure one day youll get it And hopefully by that time You will stop blaming me for ruining your life. You're not a kid anymore, we are both adults Its time to stop holding a grudge I tell you every year I wish you never had me. Life is unbearable and i blame you 100% You selfishly thought you could be a parent But your brain wasn't even fully developed yet. You couldn't leagally drink at your wedding
Then had me shortly after. I am so glad I broke your families generational curse. I am planning to die alone with my cat I am just a little spicy spinster. Congratulations you did it parent of the year I would turn in my grave if I ever got an "I am proud of you." I am so used to being left That I just keep on moving and don't give it a second though Too much time to get a new hold of myself I am not sure what is what Its a sobering feeling being removed from your head I am so sick of allowing the wrong people that need therapy, an awaking, and are on the rebound mend. - Ash Wednesday Casting Call Written by Ash Wednesday Casting in a shared shadow That I have been there once before Written down upon the walls Catching up to me before I fall. Let's go honestly And let out a silent collective Siren 🚨 Scream Blown away past the heartache I am going to be the one who was forever "The right girl, but the wrong timing." But with time to me just a construct It is something to be manipulated Come on backwards to me Let's all silently calmly be. Check the mental gymnastics for the day I am just looking to relax and play Maybe steal your heart for a minute Definitely take a T shirt or two Cozy myself inside the 4 chambers of your heart It was like I was there from the start Pull me close to you Meshed insides no longer just two. I am so sorry for not speaking up about how I felt and feel about you It's been a while since I heard your voice but I replay your voicemails and fall apart inside ( and wonder how the ever loving fugucccck you knew my given government name) Just wanted to make sure you knew I think the whole world of you What fabricated time did you want to meet up in the ethos? The cosmos? A multitude of multiverses. I'll be there for you in every timeline
Ash Wednesday Sun Room Written by Ash Wednesday Lately this lack of sleep has still manage to make me feel wide a WAKE. Feeling like I have been barely present But I am busy exploring new TERRAIN You would like this place I think The BACKYARD itself is most impressive I am just really ironically allergic to grass. The sun always hits my bedroom at 5:30 am I can come by tomorrow night Banking its way around the house I don't think I have ever been tanner Thats the other thing too, I think you both would love to meet Banner I miss falling asleep in the summertime In your side sun room. Getting obliterated numbing out into oblivion awfully. And I wanted to thank you personally For all the depression you have deposited On to me My body needed the rest Because if i stop ans relax I turn into a travisty. I needed to take your constant criticism and jadedness. To be molded and formed into what I am about to be. You may think I am fine nothing bothering me But I'll never open up again to you like I did again No more vulnerability and nakedness. Let me know if you ever want to take a nap
In your sunroom Let the light play actoss our skin As our coffees get cold together Ignoring any signs of the world Just wanted to fall asleep next to you. - Ash Wednesday Consensual Choking Written by Ash Wednesday I cut all of my plastic six-pack rings at work and home, because I believe in consensual choking. It takes me everything and anything not to grab their neck when our lips are touching. They are not you. They won't play with me like you do. The conversations are a bit stale and sometimes boring. I am checking in and out more and more of reality. You're like a cavity I just can't stop tounging. Too much and rich for me But you are a broken shell of a human being. I wish you spoiled me with loyalty Instead of whatever the fuck game you were attempting at playing. I just want someone to play chess with. I think you would have been the perfect opponent. But then again I am the queen of playing myself. Trapped in a room with you was like being alone with a shattered mirror. Just look at yourself. We are both Fragile dealing with the repercussions of your 7 years of bad luck. We are both afraid. We are both scared. We are both broken. And abused. And absolutely now I am 100% sure you and I have the same mentality. Baby we are boarding on the lines of reality- so I'll ask you one last time fuckin stop spying on me from the comforts of your castle and fucking play with me one more time. I should strip you of me- but we're both masochistic. Not of your dignity you have done that long ago But of the scales that you had to weigh decisions and yourself. I should strip you like I have for the past few life times We just meet in different skin suits But you seem so familiar because I've known you thought the centuries even if it was just in passing or a few hours. I believe in consensual choking And I think I carry some weight more than you would like to admit. I am an awful person apparently the absolute worst Yet I am your go to drug of course. You started drinking enough for the both of us I didn't even have to bring a bottle to my lips.
You told me you would never allow that of me. It least I think that's what you said to me it was hard to make out with that lisp. I could use a little consensual choking A.W. Short Circuit Written by Ash Wednesday Zapping electronics since the 90s Tapping into wires and always trying to find "ME" Forever shortening the electoral circuitry Corrupting electronic effortlessly I am an electromagnetic anomaly But I am really just a bunch of Bagged up water and guts Squished together morphed under a little bit of pressure When my body fucking flakeys and gives out All i can think of "The Audacity!" Nothing different about you or me Not sure what is what is what But i find a lot of comfort Of being surrounded by other people's stuff. Becuae I am not used to the stillness The blaring mediocrity. But when my body goes into full chaos mode I can finally actually relax and thive. Its called PTSD tenacity. Sometimes I short circuit, my body goes limp And it starts to unravel "Just sit back relax" I really don't know the meaning of that word. If I look ut up in a dictionary The last time I actually sat still I was living in a condo off Byberry. And if my body starts to separate we know the drill. Just grab the nearest electric thing near Hold it in your left hand, kick it into first gear. Work yourself until your fucking exhausted Get those dopamine receptors defrosted. Electric impulses Conducive through earth, dirt, worms, and sand. I am so tired of feeling everyone's hurt. And trauma, and electrical technical difficulties. I am not a condusive conductor
I am not a medical professional, I am not a psychologist or a doctor I am not equipped to short circuit your trauma and pain. Yall need professional help I am already overly employed And have nothing to gain. Fuck my caring nature it was a learned behavior For coping ingrained in my left brian. Live Laughing at nothing in particular Toaster (oven) And Bath. These are some of my go to dope anime hacks. - Ash Wednesday Flame Written by: Ash Wednesday I feel you Every time I light a candle. You stopped asking me to go hiking So now I always wear sandals But that's okay it's probably too hot for you to be inside anyway You like to hibernate, the only outside time is between you and your Ash tray. But like I said I am fine with this little flame Flicking in the breeze. I've gotten used to the ins and outs The I do what ever I pleases. The on's and when it's on oh wouldn't you like to fuck around and figure it out. But when it's Off season I know it's because you're just chasing someone else for clout. But if you could stand there on your own If you could light your own match Well wouldn't that be something Can you even imagine that? You, yes you just standing there for all to see Not a parasitic morsal sucking up all your screen Nothing disturbing or distracting No more self preservation and acting You should be able to do this by now Instead of coping sticking more metal in your brows To stand there willing and face the flames Of all the times you have been wrong and made mistakes Fire Walk with me I have been watching too much Twin Peaks A show I am not sure you would have seen But I think you would enjoy it because we both like the same things Few have walked around Few have stayed Where are we in this timeline journey Each lifetime are we gonna be telling the same old story Would've reached instant FLAME If I had a soul to sell But it's been needing some resurrection lately My heart is but a necromancy. - Ash Wednesday
земной ангел zemnoy angel Written by: Ash Wednesday I can't wait for things to slow Took on too much work Still have the lawn to mow Boy oh boy does moving have it's perks The quiet and the grounding The silence does nothing But sit there still you Can hear something else, seeing things that Deja Vu Sink yourself down into the center of the earth I hear the inner people calling Damn you look so good For dealing with all the low vibrations and the filth We are the earth angels Eyes round as can be When we walk out in public ( which is rare) People often stop and stare and tell us random things I am so happy being nobody here. Blended and melted not a thoughtful fear A learned behavior a coping trait I am so happy hidden here, nothing to do but create Come focus on your breathing exercises Come on take your feet and plant them in the earth Notice the patterns of your fingernails Don't forget to show them what you're worth Vegetation will one day cover Vegas I can see it now the trees covering the desert like an oasis We're gambling with time and soil I am looking forward to someone who is actually loyal. To build on itself seems silly But I feel myself building too close to the shore The waves keep eroding my plans you see I am starting to get fed up and bored I am going back on this Terrain Chasing the same old cycles is always a pain Reconsidering the old patterns I am trying to justify living everyday if that matters Worked this area into exhaustion The city is on some pretty borrowed time I would trade all the yelling, death, and sadness For wicked wicker and some grass with a view A window to look at on a rainy day And some coffee That absolutely is true But what I think I have been jonesing the most for after all Was for something a bit different I didn't know what it was at all земной ангел You were put here for a reason I can't wait to discover what that is
There has to be a rhyme and a reason. Next week fine Fire Walk With Me The last time wasn't satisfying next time we should go meet under an Ash Tree. Ash Wednesday |
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August 2023
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