​Warmth
Written by Ash Wednesday 

​"We don't talk anymore..." 
But I drunk texted you two Wednesdays ago 
You'll set yourself on fire 
Just so he can keep warm

The coldness I've read and received
Does nothing to put my mind at ease 
I miss you fuck'in terribly
But you never showed you gave a shit about me

Warmth was never something I've received
Just read about and witnessed in books and movies 
But pass me the matchsticks 
And I'll start something real quick 
And you can have the very last of my nerves 

And let's light this all on fucking fire 
What a destructive force we can be 
For all that quiet energy we carry separately
I hope someone somewhere is enjoying the fire that I have invoked 

I hope you're treating them better than you treat yourself
But I come from a pessimistic and doubtful upbringing such as yourself

Hack me to pieces extract all of my dopamine
Sipping tirelessly at anything containing trace amounts of caffeine
I am tired of mirroring a mirror 

Its weirdly reflective and I am tired of cycling 
Pending processed nothing's happening just left on read and idling. 
I am pretty sure I've done this before but it wasn't like this. 

Would you like to set yourself on fire for a bit 
Just to feel a little bit 
Tried to build up a resistance to you 
But my body is burning the fuck up. 

Why didn't you say all that out loud
You could have just saved myself the trouble and called. 

​Suds City
Written by Ash Wednesday (in a laundry mat between loads)

​I am just a Starseed in a laundry mat.
Ass glued to a plastic chair 
Book in hand, sit and spin cycle 
Inconsistent incognito rat. 
( Baseball Cap rocking sunglass sporting)

The florescents are unforgiving
Its 2 A.M and I know you're still awake
Because we are tethered forever 
Hit up my phone cause I am down for whatever

Deep diving for that dopamine (fix)
Chasing someone or something always made sense to me ( knock it out and off my list) 
Seeking approval from the most "important"

​Bottom of the barrels
Definitely undeveloped and undecided
Flat and flashy- fake salty and pastry
Soapy waters a classic karmic cycle

Forever looping in the florescent hell hole. 
If I keep staring at this machine 
I am gonna lose my mind and lunch
Microcosmic waterboarding full disclosure this is better then a day at Disneyland

Dissatisfied dissociation up the laundry detergent
Trusting my delusions as they spin on high 
Rolling the credits to all my alternative what ifs
In my last life I think I had a better handle on it all. 

​I am just trying to figure it out
This Human Condition
And what's it is all about
Reading up trying to find the answers, like addition.

Waiting for the collective consciousness to kick in 
This retrograde round about kinda way
Spiraling linear I am dizzy just thinking
Shaking and saying "This is just apart of the journey".

Brillo pads scattered the floor, 
People stop and stare
Getting used to the side eyes for sure 
This town is quiaint but kinda odd 

Not quite Twin Peaks aesthetic
But my asthma seems to think different 
The mold soaked clothing 
Laid abandoned and drying

The non playable people smiling
Hi! Welcome! We're happy you're hear
Take a number and  single serving washer 
Soak it up all these unwanted feelings unbothered 

A.W.

​Written By: Ash Wednesday 

​If the world was ending, you would come over right? 
We could keep it casual- 
Order in
maybe a movie or two like we used to 
If that is alright. 

Since the world is ending, how about Thai? 
I am gonna get shrimp, because fuck it. 
Let's go out with a soft bang
Because I have been screaming inside my head my whole life. 

​And dude, I am tired. 
I am tired of masking, 
of withholding my joy 
all those late nights thoughts and feelings 
I just want to go "home" 

Off this planet if only for just a moment 
Then respond and be born again
right back to it. Grind, depression, little lost lambs 
Whatever this it is I am trying to still discover 

​But if the world was suddenly on fire 
would you be down to share one last cigarette 
and a brief chat 
it doesn't have to be anything crazy 

I would settle for a "Hi, how are you- 
Cause nothing these days phases me. 
War seems imminent, It's too expensive to live 
At least when I am dead and gone it costs me next to nothing to sin. 

​I am always looking for something else, 
something exciting and new. 
I am hoping that this time it's all different 
Another environment, but hopefully I get to find you. 

Before your brain or husk or jellyfied noodle goo solidifies 
I hope that its not to late this next timeline 
I seem to keep fucking this all up repeatedly
and it keeps costing me some lifetimes 

So back to my original question 
If the world was ending 
could I count you to be a guest star on my couch 
one last time 
we can order something 

whatever you want 
I just want you by my side when things go to shit 
and the world restarts. 

- AW

​Narcster
Written by Ash Wednesday

​I am tired of playing house where it's not my home
Cycling through karmic patterns I am looking to burn
Always a fan of coloring
But your color are starting to show through

That fake phoney narcissistic temper tantrums.
Ive done way to much work to entertain this, going ghost like Danny Phantom. 
This shit was cute and all when I was little 
I literally looked up to you 
But now that I am taller I've gotten more vocal and stronger.

​I could ghost you forever
And feel nothing but better
A sigh of relief
A breath without assistance
I have begged you for years to give a shit about me
I am sorry I was the one that finally graduated with your supposed degree. 

But I am 30+ and you dont know the first thing about me 
You spat insults at me when we go out in public and you feel like I get too much attention.
But I'll tell you this, people would approach you more too if you actually believed in things like the middle class, treating wait staff like a human being, and things like inflation. 

​I am sure one day youll get it
And hopefully by that time 
You will stop blaming me for ruining your life. 
You're not a kid anymore, we are both adults 
Its time to stop holding a grudge

I tell you every year I wish you never had me.
Life is unbearable and i blame you 100% 
You selfishly thought you could be a parent 
But your brain wasn't even fully developed yet.

​You couldn't leagally drink at your wedding
Then had me shortly after. 
I am so glad I broke your families generational curse. 
I am planning to die alone with my cat 
I am just a little spicy spinster. 

Congratulations you did it parent of the year
I would turn in my grave if I ever got an "I am proud of you." 
I am so used to being left 
That I just keep on moving and don't give it a second though
Too much time to get a new hold of myself
I am not sure what is what 

Its a sobering feeling being removed from your head
I am so sick of allowing the wrong people that need therapy, an awaking, and are on the rebound mend. 

- Ash Wednesday 

​Casting Call 
Written by Ash Wednesday

Casting in a shared shadow
That I have been there once before
Written down upon the walls
Catching up to me before I fall. 

Let's go honestly
And let out a silent collective Siren 🚨 Scream
Blown away past the heartache 
I am going to be the one who was forever
"The right girl, but the wrong timing."

​But with time to me just a construct
It is something to be manipulated 
Come on backwards to me 
Let's all silently calmly be.

Check the mental gymnastics for the day
I am just looking to relax and play
Maybe steal your heart for a minute
Definitely take a T shirt or two

Cozy myself inside the 4 chambers of your heart
It was like I was there from the start 
Pull me close to you
Meshed insides no longer just two.

I am so sorry for not speaking up about how I felt and feel about you
It's been a while since I heard your voice but 
I replay your voicemails and fall apart inside

​( and wonder how the ever loving fugucccck you knew my given government name) 

Just wanted to make sure you knew I think the whole world of you 
What fabricated time did you want to meet up in the ethos? The cosmos? A multitude of multiverses.

I'll be there for you in every timeline
​
Ash Wednesday

​Sun Room 
Written by Ash Wednesday

​Lately this lack of sleep has still manage to make me feel wide a WAKE. 
Feeling like I have been barely present
But I am busy exploring new TERRAIN
You would like this place I think
The BACKYARD itself is most impressive
I am just really ironically allergic to grass. 

​The sun always hits my bedroom at 5:30 am 
I can come by tomorrow night
Banking its way around the house
I don't think I have ever been tanner

Thats the other thing too, 
I think you both would love to meet Banner
I miss falling asleep in the summertime
In your side sun room. 
Getting obliterated numbing out into oblivion awfully. 

​And I wanted to thank you personally
For all the depression you have deposited
On to me
My body needed the rest 
Because if i stop ans relax 
I turn into a travisty.

I needed to take your constant criticism and jadedness. 
To be molded and formed into what I am about to be.
You may think I am fine nothing bothering me
But I'll never open up again to you like I did again 
No more vulnerability and nakedness. 

Let me know if you ever want to take a nap 
In your sunroom
Let the light play actoss our skin 
As our coffees get cold together
Ignoring any signs of the world

Just wanted to fall asleep next to you. 

- Ash Wednesday 

I cut all of my plastic six-pack rings at work and home, because I believe in consensual choking. 
It takes me everything and anything not to grab their neck when our lips are touching.
They are not you. 
They won't play with me like you do. 
The conversations are a bit stale and sometimes boring. 
I am checking in and out more and more of reality. 
You're like a cavity I just can't stop tounging. 
Too much and rich for me 
But you are a broken shell of a human being. 

​I wish you spoiled me with loyalty
Instead of whatever the fuck game you were attempting at playing.
I just want someone to play chess with. 
I think you would have been the perfect opponent. 
But then again I am the queen of playing myself.

​ Trapped in a room with you was like being alone with a shattered mirror. Just look at yourself. 
We are both Fragile dealing with the repercussions of your 7 years of bad luck. We are both afraid. We are both scared. We are both broken. And abused. And absolutely now I am 100% sure you and I have the same mentality. Baby we are boarding on the lines of reality- so I'll ask you one last time fuckin stop spying on me from the comforts of your castle and fucking play with me one more time. 

I should strip you of me- but we're both masochistic.
Not of your dignity you have done that long ago 
But of the scales  that you had to weigh decisions and yourself. 

​I should strip you like I have for the past few life times
We just meet in different skin suits 
But you seem so familiar because I've known you thought the centuries even if it was just in passing or a few hours. 

I believe in consensual choking
And I think I carry some weight more than you would like to admit.
I am an awful person apparently the absolute worst 
Yet I am your go to drug of course. 

You started drinking enough for the both of us I didn't even have to bring a bottle to my lips. 
You told me you would never allow that of me. It least I think that's what you said to me it was hard to make out with that lisp. 

I could use a little consensual choking

A.W. 

Short Circuit
Written by Ash Wednesday 

​Zapping electronics since the 90s
Tapping into wires and always trying to find "ME" 
Forever shortening the electoral circuitry
Corrupting electronic effortlessly

I am an electromagnetic anomaly 
But I am really just a bunch of 
Bagged up water and guts 
Squished together
morphed under a little bit of pressure
When my body fucking flakeys and gives out 
All i can think of "The Audacity!" 

​Nothing different about you or me
Not sure what is what is what 
But i find a lot of comfort 
Of being surrounded by other people's stuff. 

Becuae I am not used to the stillness 
The blaring mediocrity. 
But when my body goes into full chaos mode 
I can finally actually relax and thive. Its called PTSD tenacity. 

Sometimes I short circuit, my body goes limp
And it starts to unravel
"Just sit back relax"
I really don't know the meaning of that word. 

​If I look ut up in a dictionary
The last time I actually sat still 
I was living in a condo off Byberry. 
And if my body starts to separate we know the drill. 

Just grab the nearest electric thing near 
Hold it in your left hand, kick it into first gear. 
Work yourself until your fucking exhausted
Get those dopamine receptors defrosted. 

Electric impulses 
Conducive through earth, dirt, worms, and sand. 
I am so tired of feeling everyone's hurt.
And trauma, and electrical technical difficulties. 

I am not a condusive conductor
I am not a medical professional, 
I am not a psychologist or a doctor 
I am not equipped to short circuit your trauma and pain.

Yall need professional help 
I am already overly employed
And have nothing to gain. 
Fuck my caring nature it was a learned behavior
For coping ingrained in my left brian. 

Live 
Laughing at nothing in particular
Toaster (oven) 
And Bath.

These are some of my go to dope anime hacks. 


- Ash Wednesday 

​Flame 
Written by: Ash Wednesday

I feel you 
Every time I light a candle. 
You stopped asking me to go hiking 
So now I always wear sandals

But that's okay it's probably too hot for you to be inside anyway
You like to hibernate, the only outside time is between you and your Ash tray. 

But like I said I am fine with this little flame 
Flicking in the breeze. 
I've gotten used to the ins and outs 
The I do what ever I pleases. 

The on's and when it's on oh wouldn't you like to fuck around and figure it out. 
But when it's Off season I know it's because you're just chasing someone else for clout. 

​But if you could stand there on your own 
If you could light your own match 
Well wouldn't that be something 
Can you even imagine that? 

You, yes you just standing there for all to see 
Not a parasitic morsal sucking up all your screen
Nothing disturbing or distracting
No more self preservation and acting 

You should be able to do this by now 
Instead of coping sticking more metal in your brows 
To stand there willing and face the flames 
Of all the times you have been wrong and made mistakes

​Fire Walk with me 
I have been watching too much Twin Peaks 
A show I am not sure you would have seen 
But I think you would enjoy it because we both like the same things 

Few have walked around
Few have stayed 
Where are we in this timeline journey
Each lifetime are we gonna be telling the same old story

Would've reached instant FLAME
If I had a soul to sell 
But it's been needing some resurrection lately
My heart is but a necromancy.

​- Ash Wednesday 

​земной ангел
zemnoy angel

Written by: Ash Wednesday

​I can't wait for things to slow 
Took on too much work
Still have the lawn to mow
Boy oh boy does moving have it's perks

The quiet and the grounding 
The silence does nothing 
But sit there still you
Can hear something else, seeing things that Deja Vu 

Sink yourself down into the center of the earth 
I hear the inner people calling 
Damn you look so good 
For dealing with all the low vibrations and the filth

We are the earth angels 
Eyes round as can be 
When we walk out in public ( which is rare) 
People often stop and stare and tell us random things

​I am so happy being nobody here. 
Blended and melted not a thoughtful fear 
A learned behavior a coping trait 
I am so happy hidden here, nothing to do but create 

Come focus on your breathing exercises
Come on take your feet and plant them in the earth 
Notice the patterns of your fingernails
Don't forget to show them what you're worth 

​ Vegetation will one day cover Vegas
 I can see it now the trees covering the desert like an oasis
 We're gambling with time and soil
 I am looking forward to someone who is actually loyal. 

To build on itself seems silly 
But I feel myself building too close to the shore 
The waves keep eroding my plans you see 
I am starting to get fed up and bored 

I am going back on this Terrain
Chasing the same old cycles is always a pain 
Reconsidering the old patterns
I am trying to justify living everyday if that matters 

Worked this area into exhaustion 
The city is on some pretty borrowed time 
I would trade all the yelling, death, and sadness 
For wicked wicker and some grass with a view 

A window to look at on a rainy day 
And some coffee 
That absolutely is true 
But what I think I have been jonesing the most for after all 

Was for something a bit different
I didn't know what it was at all 
земной ангел
You were put here for a reason 

​I can't wait to discover what that is 
There has to be a rhyme and a reason. 
Next week fine Fire Walk With Me 
The last time wasn't satisfying next time we should go meet under an Ash Tree. 


Ash Wednesday