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Foxy Waffles Written by Ash Wednesday  I am good love go disappoint somebody else Not today or ten from now Could cause me to spiral And breakdown And leaving me alone for all this long I'll be sure to get you hooked But my silence is an answer And least you forget At least your friends can be discreet You're just playing yourself waffles And making a sticky mess  And I asked you once again friend to a friend are you loyal like a dog ready to settle in or are you sly like my local fox? Stumbling onto my property drunk and horny Where is your mind these days What substances are you still abusing Have you gotten your shit together yet Or are you just pretending You'll have to be better And I've seen you've grown a bit You've gotten your bed frame finally Don't think I don't see the irony  A.W.
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Pathetic Pathogens; Trying To Take Up Real Estate, In This Economy? Written by Ash Wednesday  I struggle with our dynamic Who am I to you Who are you to me Who were we to one another In that moment In that breathy sentence Is it aligned and balanced Absolutely not Are we still going at one another Oh absolutely just subtly I know deep down it's not I know you do this with other But it's comfortable to live in delicious delusion  Missing you is not okay it's underwhelming unfair and one sided and it's pathetic you make me feel worthless and pathetic.  Nothing will and would change
It would all be the same Except for a little bit more lying Crafted and directed my way Finally free and then you come crawling back I hope you found what you needed It only took half a decade for you to see that And I got a good laugh for about a week But waffles this is something you're not Going to be interested in me The situation is more sticky than that Than could ever be. You're welcome to try like the other But I don't think you'll stick I found a healthier substitute The kind that would make you quit And quiet and go into yourself A good look in the mirror And a ton of therapy and self help And I wouldn't even entertain Some of you fucking degenerates again An eye for an eye I am passed that petty shit Please both of you get your mind right instead. A.W. Some people will never reach out to you again
because they don't have the maturity enough to cope with the fact that they did you wrong since they lack accountability and self awareness they will create a false narrative about you so that they can move on with their own lives and don't have to feel bad about themselves. Fuck those people. They are playing themselves if they think a simple apology will do. Fuck those people. But not really but definitely write then off. They are the worst. The absolute worst. A.W. Like Father Written by Ash Wednesday We're both delusional if we think we're going to break one another's routine for the other. I couldn't even fathom finding time in my intentionally packed schedule. And you can't even bother to be in this state for more than a week. I think you have more in common with the those ex's to you have never met Hiding them from you but you're all both avoidant and voided of love  There is an airiness to you Like you'll blow away with the slightest inconvenience You'll pop up one day out of nowhere like a stranger Who the fuck wants to keep entertaining a stranger A picture from the past sent my way You got to be high if you think this is trying your best I hate these low attempts of communication I liked it better when you were throwing handwrittens in my general direction. But please keep in mind you have more in common with an ex partner and that isn't the father issues coming to light it couldn't be father from the truth that would require me to have a dad and that hasn't been you.  This is a generational habit that I am breaking I am not choosing to entertain these attempts But as I am writing all this I am shaking Be cause to reject you would be like rejecting a part of myself I think I am ok with hurting this part of me It's the greatest gift to myself To hold myself to nobody's standing I'll die on this hill crafted with planning Like Father faster to be an avoidant Negated variable I am stricken from the record and family albums I find this both endearing and adorable That you would go to such efforts to kill me and then try to recess a broken long drawn out abusive relationship that you refuse to address. Just wait till the end, I'll think of you less  I will not be present
I will not shead a tear I have cried all the cries I have said all that I fear Like Father from the truth I wish you could see To reject you is to reject a small part of me And I wrote this for you but also for the others Who think they can just leave me alone And time and time come back in for another Chance? I don't think so. Why would I repeat cycles from long ago. A.W. A Sided Conversation Written by Ash Wednesday  I cannot condone nor deny the frequency of the human hummm and how deep you resonate with me. We claim we're alive and fighting to not continue to play the same song that you are unaware that we both keep singing. On repeat And repetition Becomes something of that of a comfort Like religion, a one sided conversation Into the ethos We go fishing To see who will bite Who we can hook And secure to make us feel More well secure Whole Not so discouraged and broken I am so impatient around you Always wanting to deep sink And dive into the next dopaminergic Encounter, fuck almighty some days I feel Utter bat shit. I thought this would be easier Because yeah I've been down this road before But I think I may have taken a wrong turn A few years back, and I think I hit the end. What is this? This buttery feeling, somewhere between isolation and infactuation is boardline utopia. Why do I want to be around people but also wouldn't mind being alone forever.  -Ash Wednesday
Unreliable Narrator Written by Ash Wednesday  Turning pain into purpose The waves of pain roll in I should be over this Able to conquer this Instead disconnected from this I've seen these all unfold before I can do nothing to stop this. Proud and projected I am going back to the sounds and sources Flick my safety off with your tongue Goddamit those claivicals are gorgeous And the dip in your hips And that little sound you make with your mouth You know the one Fuck is the room getting hot? And instinctively want to grab the side of your throat. I think you keep forgetting that we are both heavily involved in others and it's time to stop playing childish games it would be rather inconvenient don't you think  Forever the unreliable narrator Sure there is more depth and character But you can only speculate before it becomes a script I'll be the one in the end laughing With someone else A mystery character One who doesn't put me through the ringer Trying to get wifed up with that ring on my finger  Ash Wednesday
Call me up on the Oujia Board Written by Ash Wednesday  Summoning me for a good time Call me on the Ouija Board It's pretty cheap And kinda neat Call for a good time People of the Spirit verse People of the split verse The Astro plane or whatever it's called these days On daya like this Off and unfocused I smell pencil shavings And Donna's waving Consistently in the corner next to my bed Giving me the ol call me sign Ring me in the Oujia board Is this happening or have the fungus started to spore  Brain all foggy In and out Of course everyone wants to front One at a time please This one is pretty predictable It's unfortunately not quite dead yet But the patterns are inevitable Like a comet connection Lighting up the place Turns the place into utter ashes And the disarray and disappointment Follow soon after.  A.W.
Absentee Wantabe Written by Ash Wednesday  Detachment is something I am quite good at. It's not a flex, it's just one of the many monsters in me. I'll just be another what if of the week A fleeting moment, with no time to retreat Just another one of your bands I'm not allowed to see live. Can count them all on my hands, but it's not like you notice. Always nice to see you in others I smile to myself as the smoke and mirrors settle I hope your happy I said recently When someone mentioned you to me in passing I really hope you're just happy Because the person you showed me was so sad and broken  And I saw that all unfold over the course of a year And I held you on nights I was over and I tried taking all that sadness out of you. You don't know what seeing someone spiral next to you in the couch does do you. You will never know Because I never told you I never voiced my opinion Because you never cared. It is so hard to get to the core of you. And when I did that I really didn't know what to except But by then you wanted nothing to do with me. Invasive Whose a snake and whose a fake Insecure Translucent intuition  You could look me dead and the eyes
And I would think you were lying It's not confidence it's protection I am never going to be able to get it back Eventually she will catch on to your patterns Like she latched onto all your lies Looked her dead on the eye daily And prayed they were mine And I'll smile all big And you'll hear traces of my laugh I got more then I bargaied for All I wanted was a bath. Ash Wednesday Ignore ance is bliss Written by Ash Wednesday  Put my teenage self in a back room with entertainment I didn't feed her and nourish her Instead I starved her to almost death And said she was always inadequate Not happy enough Not skinny enough Not smart enough Not normal enough I switched gears and focused too much on The fake her The masked her The hurt her  Nobody told me that working on yourself would be never ending But we and her are an on going art project A group chat That was one sided but I am doing all the work A group project Where we and I and her are the only subject I am so sorry for ignoring her for so long For thinking she wasn't going to be: Happy enough. Skinny enough. Smart enough. Normal enough.  I am fine being none of those things now
Before sure but now ignore ance is bliss. I wouldn't change for the world For all the lifetimes Built and running on pure spite and intuition I am so good at regenerating and starting over I am so excited for what I am about to discover And I am so proud of the woman I was five minutes ago I am pretty proud of her right now too. Headed home now I just wanted to do my best to make you feel safe Did I do ok by you ? Empathy Nest Written by Ash Wednesday  That empty spot in your bed is for snacks not liars I am going to be in here a bit longer Ohio is for cryers Did you find what you needed in her. I am sorry I couldn't be your punching bag Your pin cushion you could project on Like all those times you would up chuck word vomit And spray me with spite.  You know I hate spitting But what's even worse is I hate admitting That you didn't even let me try my hardest You'll never need to know, I guess empathy will be your safety nest. Same here and I am not going to be able to make it right I am here inside your head rent free all night You can come and get it if you wanna But I have a nest built up, walls higher, it's quite some height. Hey I am sure you mean well and some times past But what's up with you guys and the other ones You'll soon come to learn that grass is grass. If I had enough time I would let you water all of me  But I know better now, I am cold and bitter see.
Proceeds and charity is what I would be offering I think you think you're meaning well but you are a walking contradictory Empathy at best is something I can't be there to teach you You should have cared how I felt from the start And now look at how divided this is all, destined to rot Complete mind fucked in the head Put this shit to bed cord cutting threads. A.W. |
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August 2023
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