GotCHA
Written By: Ash Catcher 

Friday is July 1st, it is my cat’s adoption/birthday. 
We won’t be having a party, as he will be asleep again by mid day. 
He is old, and lazy, and cake is hardly okay. 
To give to a cat, let alone a former stray. 

And what do you get the cat that has just about everything? 
Out of everyone in my house he gets the most packages, from my understanding. 
A rushed automatic feeder, controlled by WIFI, why the fuck not. 
But if you know me by now the cat is gonna get a killer card. 

I can't believe I officially adopted you 2 years ago. 
We have a lot to do this year, I am thinking Halloween, you should go as a mango. 
You’ll be 12.. or 13 I am still not quite sure, ew were old, but I love our naps together. 
But you still paint my kitchen with mouse brains, try cleaning that up sober. 

That wasn’t our best day, and you go to the vet a lot. 
But as a first time pet owner, and your mama you know I’ll do my part. 
I love everything about you even when you meow in my face when I am working. 
Forever my shadow, especially when I am trying to film a video, and cooking. 

Constant content forever, my socials and heart are all yours. 
The only man who ever really cares about me, Food driven? Me too- I am taking all the human food if we get divorced. 
I am kidding, I am happy I took you, because I knew something told me not to leave you. 
I am not sure if it was our matching eyes that won me over, or if it was my need to be the hero and rescue. 

I am happy to have you and I gotcha for good. 
I couldn’t have you out there in the cold nights, in the neighborhood. 
1 night on the warming pad, and afternoon in the cat hut. 
Fuck it come inside, and in you came in without coaxing, just your signature strut. 

I know as a cancer we tend to move fast but damn. 
You come over every night now, you moved in, and now you’re fam. 
I can't imagine having any other pet. 
But If I had to get you a brother or sister- I would be playing cat roulette. 

I joke about getting you a friend, but you seem to like being an old child. 
Independent, self sufficient, got me wrapped around you and beguiled. 
Sneaky and foxy, but semi retired, no more lizards to chase, or trash to devour. 
Happy Birthday- gotcha day! I love you so much Banner! 

-Ash

​Don't Stare At The Strawberry Moon
Written By: Ash Catcher

     The other week, was June's full moon- The Strawberry Moon, or A Blood Moon as I like to refer to it- and let me tell you I found a spot to stare at the moon for a few hours the result was I ended having an awful week. >.< Like awful, I am a pretty positive person, but for some fuckin reason absolutly nothing was going well the last half of the past week. 

     When my life's in disarray, the first thing I always notice is that little check engine light comes on in the car. This is why I think they call it KARMA... car, ok yea I'll keep going.... My check engine light popped on and my car is pretty old, a 2011 Mini Cooper isn't always going to runs smooth, for the most part I know my car, I know what it can handle and when i got home on Monday night I had a weird thought pop into my head- " Ash what if your battery on your car just dies... D.O.A." Whelp by Thursday when I had of course a 1000, and one thing to do. Kylo decided to kick it. Battery dead won't even start. I am really thankful I had a friend come and give me a jump- managed to get a battery installed in under an hour- by then everything was super backed up i had already apologized to all my clients i was supposed to see that day, ( If you're not caught up I have temporarily chosen to become self employed pet sitting and dog walking as one of my main sources of income- I love it no coworkers, and it's all my money) I even managed to snag some greek food real quick for lunchies as a thank you to my friend who helped me out! Dave, you are a real MVP!  Thank you also for my Mercury Retrograde Book- I have been having some weird bad luck recently. I only blame it on one thing- ask me about it. 

     I thought ok what is one bad day, whatever it happens.... and then it happened a day later again on Saturday. I was again about to do a slew of things- see some clients, and I was going to be in the area where I could see my friend play a show... and then my phone decided to just take a huge shit, and not turn it back on. Right when I was about to leave. I lost all my contacts, and about 8 months worth of writing- I managed to recover all my social media and yeah that isn't really a big deal in retrospect but when it is a colossal part of your daily income... that shit is still stinging. So if anyone wants to get together and have a writing sesh with me and your about an hr from Philly please hit me up I lost a shit ton of content, ideas, stories, memories, and ideally in a wonderful world i would like to sit down and try to get some of that back- anyone fuck with hypnosis lol or guided mediitation- I lost so much, and i really dont even know where to begin honestly. 

     I did not stare at the moon for too long, also when you do for more then 10 mins at a time you begin to either halicuante or disassociate, both are not fun when you are alone in the dark, in a park. I'll see you next Wedneday! With hopefully much better luck and news- hey at least my car and phone are practically brand spanking new! Just sheeeesh $$$$$ week! 


- Ash ​

Sunffine 
written by: Ash Catcher

Sunday sunny afternoon. 
Cup of iced/ hot coffee.
Caffeinated beyond recommended doses.
Doesn't matter what the bean is as long as it's roasted.

Cause nothing gets my seratoin going these days.
Things are happening around me, and it's getting kinda strange.
Timelines collapsing, things I shouldn't know. 
Intertwining with Characters from chapters almost forever ago. 

And with everything getting darker, and not much more coming to light. 
I Still feel like I am stuck inside, like 2 years ago- hidden out of sight.
The Cost of living is rising, but two things I know  are still for certain.
I'll still spend my hard earned cash on caffeine, and gasoline. 
I feel like a ghost if I am not moving, and exploring.

Been a minute since we kicked it. 
Hello canned latte let's go for a $50.00 joyride. 
Lately I’ve been having some better days, which makes me glad I stopped pleasing others- and quit. 
Being so entertaining to one-sided ness, flakey pastry, touch and goes all the skepticism and side eye. 

Java jackets, cause when I go through withdrawal I get super cold. 
Doesn’t matter what I drink- could you please define what makes your coffee bold. 
Flavor notes, cool- I don't really care right now. 
Just inject that hot caffeinated, coffee, concoction through my veins- however much is legally allowed. 

I’ll take a slow drip, give me that slow release. 
Build up a tolerance, beg for relief. 
The headaches are fucking murder.
If I am coming off semi snarky, and  sarcastic it’s not you I am a New Yorker. 

Sick of relying on sunny days- its been rather really hot, and rainy lately. 
I Will most likely quit caffeine if, and when I ever make it to eighty. 
I got some time, so I better get used to sitting with this addiction. 
My vices are fewer now but they all thankfully still bring some relief, and infliction. 


Not necessarily numbing out with my morning cup of coffee. 
But add a cigarette, then we are cooking with something saucy. 
Sun, smoke, fire, and warmth, and too much burned. 
All opposite of my usual cold watery self, re-coded, rebranded., reformed. 

Oral preoccupation, way too much self love. 
I am sick of my hands, they are beyond numb. 
And plastic doesn't do the trick. 
Craving something a bit more thick and slick. 



-Ash ​

​Dinner for ONE. 
By: Ash Catcher 
** A semi passive aggressive take on food.

​*Cashew butter tastes like Hatboro. 
And that is where I started to dabble with veganism. 
And Stouts, trivia, and way too many drunken nights, turned into WTF was I thinking mornings. ( Always a Monday) 
 Which turned into your name on my lips.
 And then after a movie or two, and some awkward conversation0 absolutely NO EYE CONTACT-  it's your face in-between my hips. 
I thought that life was alright. But then I met you. 


 Slammin Salmon Sundays, Way too much guac / overeating, all the drinking, I was in a 2 year  (food) coma from hell. 

Wawa Sandwiches, Voo- Doo Chips, and WAY too much weed, they all taste like Langhrone, and way too much time spent in Village Shires. I am not a hobbit. But why do I always fall for people of Irish descent. There is no deficit that is for sure. 
 and you thought keeping me in a constant state of chaos would be good for my stomach, shame on you. You don't have a gluten intolerance. You are just intolerable. 

Then I moved to fucking Siberia, and all I did was eat Russian food, and masterbate to the thoughts of you. 
Soviet candies, Russian Jellies, I have never drank so much tea in my life. 12 cups at my own curated meat feast.  
Why is my neighbor insane? 
Why is this random French guy, and his wife in my apartment? 
I just didn’t have the stomach for teaching anymore. But I loved all the treats- just not the gossip in the hallways.  
I wish others could be so brave, and quit their career to pursue their life long passions. ( and have the support to do so) 
But you couldn't see past your own selfishness, I couldn’t make you see past your own plate- so you took my fucking table. 

Our departure was like 2lbs of Strawberries that I got at the produce junction in Germantown the next day. 
I ate them in my car. I didn’t wash them.
 I liked to take a little risk. 
And I kinda was okay at dying from unwashed strawberries at the time. 
Now I am just so sick of washing my hands every 30 seconds. 
Avoiding people and emotionally eating instead. 

I can never order dessert in complete confidence ever again. 
Thank you for all the dinners. I see pictures of them pop up in my memories and I am more confident in my cooking and my life choices now. 

"So what are we cooking for dinner tomorrow?"




- Ash

​I Deserve A Better Goodbye
Written By: Ash Catcher 

I used to think I didn't belong anywhere 
But now I think I am just addicted to fresh starts. 
When the scenery gets too monotonous for me, 
I just get that itching to part with half my belongings and head off in search of something new. 
I learned to leave now in search of something, never someone. 
I'll never move and uproot my life again for another person. 
That version of me is no longer recognized. 
Over time we get hardwired differently. 

I deserve a better goodbye. 
I deserve a better goodbye. 

I only can process proximity through this every so often. 
It is fucking daunting to move.
I never received that postcard in the mail. 
I never got that apology. 
I never say goodbye, just good luck.
As if I actually believed my presence mattered. 
And I just don't get recast in the same roll telling myself every night
... "Maybe this time it's going to be a bit different…" 

But I refuse to water myself down just so you can try and attempt to digest me better. 
You can choke. 
I am a river my dude, I go in one direction, with the flow. 
Never backwards, steady on, not weighed down by your own undoing. 

I deserve a better goodbye. 
I deserve a better goodbye. 

If you just tried to wade in my waters I would be forever grateful; 
But I would also be so taken back and close right back the fuck up. 
Locked up tight, cool, calm and encumbered. 
Look man if I could, I would. 

I deserved more than what I get/got. 
So I keep my expectations scary low. 
I am starving. 
And I am so malnourished, and cannot survive on crumbs anymore. 



I deserve a better goodbye. 



- ash

With the pollen count too damn high. 
I seek shelter in my air conditioned home, and hide. 
Allergies be fucking debilitating this year, My eyes are struggling to open. 
Just looking forward to summer, it will be here soon, here's to hoping. 

But I have to admit I am digging these evening walks. 
Around my neighborhood, I hear all the talk. 
So and so mowed over the property line. 
Most days I don’t notice my thoughts are  on something much higher, Borderline Devine. 

Always cleaning off the pollen from my camera lens. 
Getting sick of sitting in all this luxury car traffic: BMW and Mercedes Benz. 
My janky ass mini pushing is almost 15 yrs old. 
Could be considered a classic car soon, little black bread mold. 

A record collection and a whole library I really do not want to move. 
And all the sex toys under my bed, I know that you said you did not approve. 
I would liquidate everything, aside from all my plants. 
Cause I am getting really sick of the same sneers and scenery, why is everyone trying to get into my pants. 

People seem to be divided on this one but I’ll just say it: 
I don't understand casual dating, my energy is too precious to haphazardly transmit. 
I think it’s great if you want to play the field, but these days it’s looking like a wasteland. 
With responses to texts so slow, what is this 2000 something am I hooked into the broadband? [ MOM, I AM ON THE PHONE!] 

As much as I like the attention, this shit is distracting. 
I am trying to build a fucking empire, why is it always torn apart people that I am attracting?  
Broken can be beautiful, but I am not trying to put together another person’s puzzle. 
Delusions, shaken up with uncertainty, strain into a heart shaped glass, That is the Involuntary Muscle. 

But back to spring, shit yeah damn people are so horny. 
If going out for dinner translates to  I want to bang on our first encounter, I am bringing my attorney. 
I am just floored with how tacky some people can be. 
I doubt things will get a bit better as time goes on, two more months till I am thirty. 

Lately I haven’t been sleeping the best, but apparently 3 AM is the perfect time for digital harassment. 
Makes me lose all hope for humanity, I blue thumbs up all their advancements. 
Honestly at this point I get more pleasure from myself.  
Because I am the only one that fucks me over, its a Thing-In-Itself. 



-Ash

Astro traveling to the 711 would be convenient if it wasn't for the lackluster ride.

Breaking down walls with too much breakfast, trying to decipher what's the truth and what is a lie. 

Can you send me a picture of yourself? Is all I seem to get these days.

Do you know how beautiful you are? But my guy I can't talk to right now I am trying to get a raise. 

Every time they dont see that there is more to me then there seems to be. 

Fuck off, I am selective with who is in my life, I don't know you random person- you really think our conversations are free? 

Get to the point why are you messaging me, I have 1,001 things to do and your taking away from my life and my money. 

How have you been? Is the topmost worst text I can receive. Ready to chuck this talk box. Go somewhere more sunny. 

I am not trying to capture the red flag. But lately I am thinking about switching out of intermediate and going pro. 

Just so you know I like to match people's energy. It's a tool I learn in therapy. 

Keep asking me if I want to grab a drink with you. I am ready to fucking quit my job I am so sick and tired of alcohol. 

Like what is the point of starting a conversation if it's just going to eventually dissipate in disappointment. 

My friend referred to me as intense the other day. I think I need more interesting friends. 

No I am not trying to reason with logic at the moment but maybe in a week or two when the moon isn't so full, I'll maybe feel less manic. 

Out of touch with myself, but I am trying my best. I know some people get it, others try to understand. 

People scare me. 

Queen of the "Can I ask you a question?" 

Really I don't know what to say. 

Sucks, this feeling sucks.

This is not what I wanted 

Usually I'll just deny 50 requests a day. 

Very exhausted and mentally drained how do people do this every day

What could I do differently? 

Xplain to me like I am stupid. 

You seem different. 

Zero tolerance for this bullshit. 





-Ash ​

Some Assembly Maybe Required: Teaching Myself How To Cook
Written By: Ash Catcher 

     This maybe kinda a weird thing to write about, but if you do not know by now I have this undesirable need to create things: That does include dinner. On nights that I am home I tend to get pretty creative in the kitchen. I like spicy, mostly vegan, or vegetarian meals and access to some weird “basket ingredients”. Lately I have had a bit more time to myself so I went thru all of my cookbooks. I have quite a bit now, but for the longest time I would just buy them and never make anything from them. It wasn’t until I was in college and had "my own” kitchen that I finally began cooking and baking. If you follow me on social media you can see me making drinks, and food all the time. It has become a very fun outlet for me- my hands don’t always feel compelled  to paint or draw, although I do a fair bit of journaling and collaging, cooking has become a great creative channel, not to mention makes for some oddly unique content.

     Food for me is important, as a cancer watery sign hot moody mess food became this thing that I used to associate with self care. I spend most of my day caring for other people, and my cat banner- but when it's time to eat at the end of the day that seems to be the best time for me to hyper focus on myself, and nourish myself a little bit.  I do travel quite a bit on my off days, summer is coming and I will be disconnecting more and more, looking forward to sunny days, hiking, and lots of beach trips- I tend to grab quick little things on the way to my destinations. Usually a coffee/ Americano and a carb of my choice. I always take fruit when I go for walks around the neighborhood, or go out for an easy 5 mile walk on the canal with my cat. He loves to look at the water, and marvels at all the trees. I want him to enjoy the rest of his life, that includes a fair amount of grilled chicken dinners as well. 

     I come from like 3 living generations of amazing women who excuse my French but uh…. “Fuck food up.” Dinner when I was younger was some of the most memorable times of my life. My mom made everything with such a profound amount of love that it was immeasurable, there wasn’t a measuring cup on the market that could hold the amount of talent she has. Food was seasoned to perfection, I had never grown up knowing that Salt and Pepper shakers were actually used and not just for cute decor. Nothing needed adding to it, it just stood flawlessly on its own. Dessert was always included, as well as coffee or tea. My grandmother(s) also bring their A game when it comes to cooking, with both Russian and German heritage while food growing up at my grandparents house was vastly different. There is something straggly comforting about the commonality of Eastern European food. I still go to Russian supermarkets, and enjoy other supermarkets aside from my defaults: Aldis, and Trader Joes ( Literally blew through a bag of mini cucumbers the other week, we all got a vice haha).  

    I like to playfully call this stuff Kitchen Witchery: while some assembly maybe required and at times I may over do it on ingredients, I got this down pat, a lot of failure and trial and error, a lot of late night creating alone in the kitchen all seems to be worth it to create a lasting memory all associated with food. Our relationship at times like any has been rocky, but lately with some careful consideration, and creating with intent. My kitchen game is pretty on par. I love creating, and cooking with other people- I think maybe that in itself shows what some time spent coexisting together and creating a tangible outcome. It is quite something to make something from nothing.

     In 2020 I wrote a cookbook myself, and I would love to get it properly published. I have been sitting on this project because HONESTLY I am a little unsure if people would even be interested in what I have to say. Some weeks I feel like I am talking to a brick wall, other weeks I get the feeling more people read these things then let on. I love when people wish me a Happy Ash Wednesday it is truly humbling. I am going to continue to write every week for as long as Long Shots allows me to be feasted for! Feeling particularly grateful this week. 



-Ash ​