Ash Wednesday: Phantom Artist? Why I Insist On Hiding My Creative Talents From My Family Members.
I am not too open about my family, and even me, writing things, right there typing this...ooooof Ash the hell are you doing? I mean very, very few people know about the vagina I fell out of. If I could get away with I was adopted I would, but I look way too much like my dad to pull that card. People are even kinda surprised I have a sibling. I guess, I just scream as an only child to some people. I love being single because then I don’t have to worry about A) people leaving me when reality sets in, and B) I become a codependent people pleasing infant in most monogamous relationships. Thanks, Mom, Dad. I rarely invite someone I am dating to meet my parents, lately the last few relationships, it felt like an obligation, I am really not looking to put myself or anyone else for that matter in that situation again. They never go well. As a kid, I spent A LOT, and I mean a lot of time alone[. A]t first, I solely blamed the Harry Potter novels[.] I remember pre ordering all of them from Goblet of Fire to the end of the series. When they came in the mail[,] I would grab them out of my moms hands, and disappear in my room from anywhere from 2 to 5 days at a time. I wouldn’t come out. I had to finish, and see this book all the way through. More like I needed to check the fuck out for about a week, and dissociate like a mofo. Ya know, being 10 I wasn’t exactly rolling in vacation funds. I did what I could. When I finished all the Harry Potter books, I moved on to a few more series, and then I found Art to be my new flavor of escapism. I escape often these days.
I either have two modes in life: I either bounce around to a bunch of different projects, and eventually get them done, or I stay in something WAY too long. It could be anything… but 99% of the time it's a one[-]sided relationship. I just don’t know when to give up, or leave the party. Now I make sure all my projects, logos, whatever are what I call "quick hit projects” If it takes more than 2 days, it’s probably never gonna get done. I don’t let anyone know what I am doing or working on until it is already done, edited, and published. I am just like an all or nothing kinda gal. So why would I hide my artistic talents from my family? That's an easy one…. We are all in some weird shape or form an "interesting" creative family, my brother makes costumes and shoots videography, my mom did art, and plays the flute almost professionally, and my dad…. Welp… yea he lives like he is in a movie. I am not going to go into real detail about that, it’s just bizarre. I literally have no set direction on how I want to take my art. I never did. There are some days where I hate it, I hate the process, or lack thereof, because I never know what I make until it's done. I have been writing more because it is easier for me, and a little more cleaner than setting up a canvas and paint, although I did just do a quick hitter real quick I’ll link that boy down below.
In addition to being an artist, I have taught kids and adults painting, drawing, and ceramic classes. I have been doing this since I took my first drawing class, If I am interested in something I fucking go dick deep into it. I never forget anything, and have a borderline photographic memory. I tend to put myself in a bubble sometimes when I am creating something. You literally wouldn’t understand it unless you have ever been that kid to shut themselves inside your room for hours on end. I love being by myself. I go almost anywhere, and everywhere alone, I go hiking, I run at night alone, and I became bilingual in Russian by myself. I just recently started doing my taxes alone too[;] I am very proud. Suck it, TurboTax. I am not sure if I like learning more, or teaching something. I have been teaching art for a really long time. I really enjoy connecting, and having kids super excited to attend my classes. That whole quote, about those that can[']t do, teach or whatever the fuck it is… yea clearly you had a shitty experience with teachers. I loved all mine, and yea I saw them as weird pseudo academic parental figures. I am still in contact with all my Art college professors. Even got a few jobs through them. It pays to be nice, and make friends.
One of my many "quarantine quick hits” I also kinda low key think we are just in a black mirror episode…. And it kinda blows.
Ash fucking focus, okay, yea, so, art: I’ll never admit this out in the open, but I am pretty sure my best art was in high school. You can stereotype me all you want, but I bet you would have dated me in high school too. I was the most passionate about art more than anything else. Nothing mattered to me more, I am so surprised I graduated high school, honest to god there were days I didn’t even show up. I missed about a month and half of school before my parents were even notified. I got caught up hanging out with a few art friends at a local community college, we just created all day, It was more up to my speed then sitting through 9 classes a day then going to work until 9pm at night, walking home in the dark than doing it all over again. I just had it. When I went to collage I fucking thrived, I survived critique days, made some bomb friends I still talk to today, and got my art out there and started fucking around with gallery and museum studies. I am not sure why I took a hiatus, post college was a no go. I feel like my life was a series of waves, I would always crash and burn- for as long as I can remember I want to say maybe since 17 or 18 I have always had a multitude of jobs, side gigs, projects, that was just who I was I had so much creative ideas, that I would end up sitting there in a pile of papers getting jack shit done. Talk about frustrating.
Art helps me with my depression. I have SADS, and a few other little things, but for the most part but, like, hey, what child of the 90s fueled with nothing but Saturday morning cartoons, and cereal came out without a few screws missing, but still being a part of a nutritious breakfast. If I start to zone out chances are I can hear the X-Men theme song in my head, I can't be the only one that happens to, right? From about November to it is about mid march now, that is when things are usually the worst for me - I still am not sure why, because well global warming has been making my SADS strangely better, but the Corona Virus was kinda a curve ball this year but it’s cool, I am adapting thank you very much.
Art has always been there for me, when people get frustrated with my constant mood swings, or my sudden disappearances. (My uncle is a magician, you can blame him.) I firmly believe that the pain, like the kind you inflict on yourself on your first critique day in art class, the kind that tears away at just you slowly over time. When you can confidently tell someone something traumatic about your childhood, and you just say “But it’s all good” after that kind shit. Now I addresses all my insecurities, and flaws yea that dark shit, that is where all that good fucking art comes from, don’t ya know? You have to do a deep dive, props to you if you can handle doing that sober too btw. I am coming up on almost 2 years without any alcohol, I don’t really talk too much about that but apparently it blows everyone's mind when I can be so social and be drinking nothing but Pellegrino. You need to go deep into that feeling well, reach in, and shake it, tell it to get bent, and make something out of it. Literally it has been my saving grace. I am pretty sure most of my family has nor will they ever see any of my art. I have had art shows, I have had pieces in galleries, I just sold a piece for close to 1000 USD AND they will probably never know, and I am kinda okay with them and people not know what I do, what I create, or how I live my life. I just do me, and I am really okay if nobody ever sees it. It is out there in the world, call it a free for all.
See ya next Wednesday losers.
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