Ash Wednesday! WAKE & BAKE: Oat [milk] No I didn’t: What's Been Going On Behind The Bar In A Post Covid World.

Written by Ash Catcher.

It's no secret I lack direction, surprise surprise. In this new Covid order what does it take now to secure a job? To my utter shock all it took was answering an instagram story, and well the rest is recent history? It's pretty safe to say quarantine was kinda a drag, and as a result the food and restaurant industry has taken a huge dive, lay offs, full scale big corporate franchises reduced to renting out single space kitchens just to save a few bucks, Yea I am looking at you ghost and cloud kitchens. I still think the very concept to be some sort of pipe dream, but as it I have found myself in the service industry temporarily until school is a bit safer this shit interests me greatly. 

So what is it like to serve right now during a worldwide pandemic, and while the whole world seems to be on the up and up when it comes to Covid, America for some reason is falling a bit short? There is a bit of a draw back, people are starting to come out more, and craving a bit of normalcy. So yea I get it treat yourself with a 24oz Cold Brew every once and awhile, but I am seeing the same people every damn day, sometimes multiple times a day. Clearly my town ran out of coffee makers or something because I have apparently been supplying everyone with French Vanilla, Oat Milk Lattes for the past few months. 

I have also as always made a few notes about what it's like to be a barista at a local small business, which I am so pleased to see that slowly the town I am living in currently has been slowly opening back up. It was a lot of hiking and bike rides, now that's replaced with picnics and trips to vegan bakers, fuck it if I am gonna die soon I am gonna live it the hell up. Work has kept my mind steadily busy, and a slight sense of normalcy, not that I am craving it but it's nice to get out and get to know more people. I am trying to learn the names of the people that come in regularly and half the time they’re shocked I remember them, along with their drink orders. 

So here are some things that I found while at work, prior to this I have had over 2 years of bartending experience, if you think I can't make a cup of coffee or a frappe macchiato bastardization of a traditional espresso, then let's throw down in the kitchen, come at me. At work it gets super busy, and I’ve been sleeping a-lot, like I have been sleeping great! Aside from the growing addiction to espresso I am actually doing pretty well for working 7 days in a row without a day off. 

• I think that if you order a latte as an adult, first of all you’re ruining our espresso by drowning it in steamed milk, and secondly I am willing to bet good money you were one of those cereal  kids that needed a cup of milk to get your day going, apart of a balanced breakfast my ass, now look at you[,] you're halfway to getting diabetes. 
• Caramel Macchiatos are a made up drink, they are a myth they don’t exist, if you order one, I’ll make you one, but I am talking shit about it to my coworkers after you leave. 
• Everyone at my work is an artist of some sorts, you put a bunch of creative something or others together and add steamed milk, bet your ass your gonna have a Latte Art competition when things are slow. I am partial to the maple leaf. Shits pretty easy once you get the hang of things. 
• There are a plethora of cis white males that flirt with me, even in jeans and a T shirt you bet your ass I get hit on, take your extra dry cappuccino and talk a walk dude. 

-If you're trying to pay for your coffee and your so deprived of sleep that your inserting your credit card the wrong way, it aint me, or my register, you are just a fucking idiot. 
Things I don’t mind when you order:

1. You have a really complicated order, but know just what you want.  Sweet cool fine talk as fast as you want I am still going to ask you to repeat it because I cant hear you over the 1) the grinding of espresso beans, 2) my coworkers talking about last night Flyer’s flop and 3) that cool fucking dude on a motorcycle that revved his engine as soon as you said a medium Mocha latte, like bitch yea you can have that fine sure, but I got some questions before you settle up, You want that HOT OR ICED? It's still like 70 degrees, you're not being a hero by ordering a hot cappuccino at 2pm on a hot Sunday afternoon, what size cup? 12, 16, 24? Don’t throw me with a medium, or a small, tall whatever, I don’t work at Mcdonalds, or Starfucks, We serve primo beans my good sir. Give me ounces, or give me death. 
2. You are completely lost, but ask questions to make sure you get what you want. Cool ask away let's have a full on convo about your prospective drink, I know for some people this can make or break their day, so again I am gonna ask you are you sure you want 7 shots of espresso in your 24 oz cup of milk, that's a bastard of a drink, and you’re not a coffee aficionado if you ask me for a Breve Brah okay.  You don’t know what a cappuccino is, or what any other drink is, but you ask, I’ll allow such stupidity once. 
3. When you say “What would be the equivalent to a frappuccino from Starbucks, or what is equivalent to a vanilla cappuccino from the gas station?” We will tell you, we don’t mind. Here is a hint it's more than just the quality of beans, and milk, quality will cost you, don’t act like you’ve seen a ghost when I ring you up and your drink cost has reached over 10 dollars, you want extra shots you pay for extra shots, with your wallet or your life, I will take either. You can and will overdose on caffeine if you exceed 14 shots in one hr. Don’t be a hero that says "Death By Coffee", shits legit. 

Things I DO mind when you order:

1. When you think you know how to order, and would rather get the completely wrong thing than ask a question. When you look like a fucking lost puppy when I hand you the drink that we previously discussed, and tell me you asked for a large, no you 100% did not take that shit out of here, you’re acting like you got caught cheating on a test, ill call your ass out and show you on our order history exactly what you agreed to. Take your coffee and bounce. We can try again tomorrow. 
2. When you say you want a cappuccino, and when you get it you say “Hey, this drink is only half full!” That’s what a cappuccino is! It is half froth, and half milk, this isn’t the gas station down the road, we have real cappuccinos. Small drinks still can pack a punch, btw no we don’t do drinks with whipped cream, do you want an afternoon pick me up or to go into cardiac arrest? 
3. When you order, and it sounds like cappuccino, or when you say iced coffee with A LOT of milk, and I call it a latte,  and I repeat it as such,  and you agree, but when I give you the drink you say “Hey, this isn’t a frappuccino.” Well no shit, this isn’t Starbucks so no, this isn’t a frappuccino. Do you go to Burger King and ask for a Big Mac? No! Only idiots do that.Take 2 seconds out of your busy schedule to read the menu, and ask simple questions. Know what you want when you come up to the window to order. You have had 20 minutes to think about your poor life choices and don’t you think you can take a few minutes to figure out your drink order prior. 

I'll keep you posted on more to come. 
Happy Wednesday! 
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-ASH