Ash Wednesday! Red Alert

​Red Alert
Written By: Ash Catcher 

Happy Wednesday! If you are anything like me you have been to an interview or two that seems really good on paper, but when it comes time to actually do the damn thing, the whole thing just seems like Really too good to be true.... "I cannot believe this shit, I have to do 2 people's jobs for how much...?" You're supposed to act impressed, they hire you on the spot, and when the offer letter graces your spam folder, you put your damn foot down, and not in your mouth and say: "Thanks, but no thanks." Here are some code reds that i run into in almost every interview: 

​1. Listen for the key terms: 
" We are like a family here." - Translation: We have absolutely NO boundaries, I will send you an email at 10 pm after I have had a few beers after work, I expect you to answer promptly. 

"We wear a lot of hats here." - Translation: You will BE expected to work multiple peoples jobs daily, and we shall compensate you by paying you the bare minimum, those benefits we advertised in the job description, you'll be eligible for those after 90 days of employment- that does not include weekends, that is 90 working days- we will promptly let you go due to " budget issues." 89 days into your position. It would be nice if you could train your replacement so we do not have to.

"We are all about that hustle, and grind. We strongly encourage promoting our office culture." -Translation: We do not give a shit about work life balance, and our office culture includes strictly beginning to drink irresponsibly at 3pm. Fuck your "Hour Lunch Break." Take lunch at your desk between meetings. 

"We like things a certain way here." -Translation: We will micromanage the ever loving fuck out of you, you will conform and obide by our standards, or you can find a job somewhere else. Assimilate or starve. 

"We are looking for a self motivated individual." - Translation: We have absolutely no onboarding process, good luck figuring shit out for yourself. You dumb fuck, we got you. 

2. Vague Job Descriptions: Let me start off by saying the job description is only to get yourself hooked into this mediocre job description. The responsibilities of this job are not clearly defined: Is this a social media position? Is this a sales position, do you expect me to manage your social media, and create content- that is two different positions. This is only a taste of the company's dysfunction. WHY am I advocating for myself before I am even hired?! 

​3. Unprofessional behaviour: Negative or inappropriate behavior, directed towards current, or former employees is completely uncalled for. I would personally reevaluate before you agree to work for someone who will just end up speaking ill of you when you leave. I always like to ask people doing the interview why the previous employee quit this position- also be sure to ask what their general expectations are for this role and if they will be willing to work with you to achieve these goals. 

4. Poor Communication: Ignoring a company's poor communication during an interview can bite you in the ass later. There is nothing more frustrating than having to fail to meet crucial deadlines due to someone's negligence to communicate it's important. Learn to talk dumb dumb. Also if they are a NO SHOW for your in person interview, FUCKIN RUN! The Hiring process should be painless. 

5. High Turnover Rate: You apply to enough jobs and you see the ones that keep popping up- those are the problem children, ditch those. It's a toxic work environment, piss poor working conditions, or maybe I don't know they don't change the filter in the staff refrigerator. You are worth more than that. 

Those are my top 5, hope you keep that in mind when you have a freakin panic attack in your car on your 15 minute break, or have a public freakout stay snazzy. See ya next Wednesday. 

- Ash  ​