Written By: Ash Catcher
Now in real time.
Starting things but never finishing them
Has become my lifeline philosophy.
(There was more to this thought- but for the life of me I forgot)
But I can do just about 80 things in under a nanosecond.
Having been there, and done that, my mental health is as stable as the Czech Republic.
Sending an SOS in my head for the 1000th time this morning.
At this point I should come with the biggest FDA warning.
Tipping on the broadest part of the line.
I wonder what it is about me that says I am just some pretty thing to pass the time.
Just some refurbished mirror for you to soundboard off for fun.
What you don’t know is that when I am silent, my skin feels like it's on fire, I love when we both cut and run.
I stick to my side, and you stick to yours.
And then the frenzy starts back up again, I am the queen of the crabby-side shuffling detours.
Fuck this story mode, I want to go rouge.
I want all the extra credit, the side missions, and much more.
Impulsiveness should have been my middle name.
But instead it's something pretty nerdy, and lame.
And Mental Illness, now THOSE are like middle names!
We all have one, it is just nobody knows what the fuck it is.
The constant need to be unable to wait my turn.
I am honestly the least of your concerns.
Craving not attention, but mindless stimulation.
Not to mention the need to know all and every piece of information.
I love repetition, and patterns, it's something to me that matters.
If I had the patience and the ability to sit, I would be nothing without Adders.
Spent my entire childhood alone, and quiet.
All my life I have never been known to be compliant.
I was never a cigarette that you could turn, burn and throw away.
Never one to see people in their neutral grey.
It is either all good, or all bad.
Rough day? I am going to go hit the gym, and take it out on my sketch pad.
Feelings, feelings have fucked me up far more than any amount of alcohol ever has.
When the self doubt creeps in, not much of a sound- erratic and super similar to Jazz.
I have gotten really good at hiding.
The part of me that always speaks out, and tells everyone what is on her mind.
Nobody cares what I have to say.
I get it all the time.
Put me to work, I am super hyper focused and task oriented.
But give me a day off and I’ll be fucking tormented.
Free time isn’t free to me, it is ingredient number 1 in the recipe.
Of a upside downward spiral cake- I sure can make some velvety chemical induced mistakes.
Most nights I am frozen like a statue, Because I am so sick of being taken for granted.
Sometimes I think most days I am better off alone, and abandoned.