October 10th, 2006 by Sean William Dever

I.

I was 13 years old.

13 years old
and 70 lbs.
70 lbs., with 40 lbs.
stripped away within
three months.

My parents urged me to eat more,
“You look like we aren’t feeding you.”
I forced complex carbohydrates
into my body, instantly rejected,
as hyperglycemia dragged me
to deep sleep,
and nightmares of fading away.

70 lbs.:
natural muscle
deserted my bones.

13 years old,
I couldn’t understand why
every meal left me in pain,
curled up in bed,
fetal position,
the room spinning,
with eyes forced closed.

I was 13
and my pancreas
was killing my body.




II.

I woke up in the morning, later than normal, 8:30a.m, stretching out my limbs in my twin sized bed, hearing the popping of shoulder joints and the crackling of frail ankles. Leaving bed, I placed my hands along the walls of my pale blue hallway, chalked up with heightmarks from my youth, when I was younger and unafraid. In the bathroom, I clung to the sink. Eyes sunken back, pupils overtaking iris, cheekbones protruding, rib cage bearing the brunt of my sickness, the slow beating of my heart.

Struggling to hold myself up, the weakness and the exhaustion overpowered my body. I fell into tile, giving in. Awoke at South Shore Medical in Kingston to questions about the necessity of medevac, and how long my organs could withstand the stress crippling them. My vision blurred into the harsh settling of reds and blues.

Children’s Hospital opened its mouth and swallowed me whole, disease and all. Needles forced their way through my paper skin, insulin to “save” me, from myself. Three IV’s, four, interwoven in tangles across my lap, I struggled to comprehend why my blood was poison, why my blood sugar was “The second highest ever recorded, 950, only second to the little girl who passed away last week.”

​

III.

“If you didn’t come in when you did, you probably wouldn’t have woken up today.”



IV.

Three windows in my corner room,
                          shone light onto my bed.
And in that moment
       I felt warm again.


Check out Sean on Instagram! You can find his site here. Oh, and he also interviewed with us!